Easy Looking Back, Difficulty Looking Forward

RobFather (31AUG2019)-1rzWelcome to the year 2020!
In retrospect, the year 2019 is, at the moment, remarkably easy for me to look back on. As with other past years, each of us (some more than others) have experienced various degrees of “highs and lows” or, as some may call it, various aspects of positives and negatives in our respective lives. Trumpism, crazy-ass U.S. congressional antics (which, in my view would include all political parties, lobbyists, and interests), and 2020 presidential campaign nonsense aside, in 2019 I got to enjoy some things and endure and/or suffer through a host of other things (such as a short rollercoaster ride of ill health issues).

One of the worst things I endured in 2019 was facing my first year of not having my mom, Helen Mae Tucker around on this plane of existence for me to call to talk and joke with and wish “Happy Mother’s Day”. Mother’s Day 2019 without my mom was both unhappy and unusually weird for me. That special day came the day after my birthday. I remember being bummed out for that entire weekend. Helen… or “Mom”, as I always respectfully called her, had been my fourth and last foster mother. She was a very good and loving person who was deeply loved and highly respected not only by her family, friends, and neighbors, but by countless others in the immediate community in which she lived, in the church in which she served, and throughout many areas in the city of Philadelphia. Mom and me (August 28, 2012)-rzHelen Tucker… Mom, when she lived, was a widowed mother with three biological kids of her own: two sons – who both had served in Vietnam, and one daughter who was two years older than me when my younger brother Steven (now long since deceased) and I came to live in her peaceful home in mid-summer 1974. Mom had also raised one foster daughter who, at the time when Steven and I arrived, was already grown and about to be married, and several other foster boys between the early 1960s through 1974. Steven and I would be the last two boys she kindly took into her care.

I must note that every foster child Mom raised was a child who was loved, respected, and treated equally as a genuine member of the Tucker Family. In the Tucker home, throughout the large Tucker family of relatives nationwide, by the community, by fellow church members, and certainly by our teachers in the West Philadelphia schools that we kids attended, Mom was well known and respected for raising and having raised a family of sons and daughters (and we kids considered each other siblings of each other) – not a family of foster children. And oh how I dearly felt and treasured that love and respect! In fact, I’m quite certain that I never once heard spoken nor saw the words “foster” or “foster child” used by anyone either in or out of Mom’s house.

When what would have been Mom’s ninety-ninth (99th) birthday this past September 18th, I forced myself to let slide the fact it was her birthday. I did that because I was still in mourning over her passing and knew that very soon after her birthday, the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as the first anniversary of her transition (December 27, 2019), would soon follow and I’d have to again painfully deal with missing my mom during those periods. If you’ve lost a loving parent – particularly one or both whom you loved deeply and dearly in return, then you completely understand what I was mentally and emotionally going through.

Anyway, moving on ….

The year 2019 was yet another full period of me failing to meet and befriend new people with whom I could become friends and also failing to meet someone special for me. By “someone special for me”, I’m talking about meeting a person who I could see first as a potential friend and, as the weeks and months passed, would get to know and perhaps come to like (with the hope that she or he would come to like me in return), eventually date and perhaps the two of us become emotionally and intimately involved. It’s been twelve years since my divorce and each year – hell, each month, I feel lonelier than the year and the immediate month before. *sigh*

While I’m on the subject of dating, it’s often suggested to me that the “best way” to find people to potentially befriend and date is via some of those online dating apps or dating websites. Ha! Yeah, right. When I consider the number of fickle, fake, and/or superficial people I often encounter on electronic social media, I’m not inclined to chance wasting not only my money but my energy and valuable time too, as I visually rake through the virtual identity profiles of people featured on those dating apps/websites who I happened to find attractive and think interesting. I’m simply concerned that I may find and select someone on a dating app/website whose personal criteria are found to be to my liking but then, upon our first face-to-face meeting, learn that person’s profile is proven to be exaggerated or worse, unreal or untrue.

You see, at my age, having the experience of more than fifty years of pre-internet and pre-electronic social media human-to-human interaction, I’m quite “old school” and particular about meeting people who might become my friends and/or someone to date (and/or have sex) in the immediate so-called “real world” – not in cyberspace. It’s in the so-called real world where that person and me – upon our immediate shared-airspace meeting, can and will develop our respective perceptions and assessments of each other. That’s something that can’t be done easily by one merely looking at a photo or video nor by reading a brief (?) social media dating app/website bio or profile description. And so, as of this writing (because I want to be flexible since my attitude may later change about the matter), I’m not [yet] mentally ready nor am I willing to try online dating apps. I simply cannot see myself using them. I also don’t know anyone who is or who has actually used a dating app or dating website; someone I trust who could help guide me through such things. I also do not know anyone who could share with me their own good and/or bad experiences with dating apps/websites. However, if and when my attitude changes about using dating apps/websites and I decide to “put myself out there” in cyberspace in that sort of way, then perhaps I’ll talk about my experience on this blog. Stay tuned!

Aging for a male adult can be a peculiar thing; at least that’s been my experience during the ten years I’ve spent in my fifties. Perhaps I feel the way I do because I live alone, am single (and have been for twelve years) and I feel… alone. Since passing the age of fifty-five several years ago I’ve noticed how I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my mortality. Sometimes I actually do indeed feel as if I have – as the expression goes, one foot in the grave, so to speak. RFX-1 (28MAR2019) rzI won’t deny how thoughts of getting deathly ill or dying sometimes depress me. The good thing is that I know that I need to change my attitude about turning sixty in the next five months. I also take some comfort in knowing that many men – particularly those who manage well their health and stress levels, happen to live to be well into their sixties, seventies, and eighties. A number of healthy elder men are also living well into their nineties! I’ve often said that if my health stays as well as it is today (meaning, that it remains reasonably well for a middle-aged Black man who doesn’t smoke, rarely drinks, manages well his health, diet, stress levels, sexual proclivities, et al), then I could hope to live to see my nineties too.

I suppose the reason why I fear entering my sixties – and getting older from that point, is because I don’t want to suddenly get terribly ill and/or die alone and unhappy. At the moment and for the past several years, all I’ve felt is mere contentment; I don’t have a sense of full or complete happiness. I haven’t felt fully and truly happy about much of anything in more than twelve years. Sure; there have been and there are certain things which make me happy to some small extent, and there are and have been things or situations which cause me to smile and laugh. Over the years of my middle-aged adult life, I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself (as I used to be during and between my teen years and late forties). I’ve also: learned how to either ignore or reject certain things which I can do nothing about, have gotten much better at saying no to those things I’ve been asked to do but really don’t want to do much less have any involvement with, and saying no to and/or denying things to people who, in my perception or previous experience with them, don’t have my best interest at heart. To this day, I continue having moments when I laugh at myself for saying or doing silly things. I also still often talk out loud to myself when I’m alone. I talk to myself because hearing my thoughts in spoken form rather than keeping them silent in my head is, in its own strange and perhaps crazy way, quite therapeutic for me. (Perhaps a few readers can relate to this.)

Sometimes at the end of a day, when I’m alone in my thoughts, either while driving in my car or am sitting in my quiet humble home, I remember that I am not happy with my life at this point. I simply am not feeling happy the way I used to be and used to feel during my youth. I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the early and mid-years of my then-marriage which lasted only eighteen years. And I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the entire twenty years I spent serving in the U.S. Navy. Anyway, I spent much of the past year (2019) doing certain things and planning how to change my attitude for the better. I have been slowly working on finding ways and doing only those things which will either make me very happy or bring me some permanent degree of happiness and satisfaction. I need happiness and I want to be happy and want to feel happy so badly! I’ve learned that in this life, no matter what anyone says or does for you, no one can actually make you happy per se. Each of us has to seek out or work on that particular aspect of life all on our own; and so, I am.
Let me close this blog article with a statement I posted recently on both Facebook and Twitter: RobFather Tweet (26DEC2019)

Mind you, I neither wish to be nor seem negative. I’m simply expressing my truth and being real (as usual on this blog) about how I feel about a possible personal future. I’d say that the word melancholy best describes how I’ve been feeling.

I’m hoping that this year… 2020 – assuming that I live to see all of it, will bring me good health (being the most important), financial prosperity (which is so greatly needed!), and fortune in finding, making, and mutual nurturing new friendships – especially a friendship on the emotionally intimate level; someone for and with whom I can develop, nurture, and have a healthy and strong degree of respect, love, trust, and commitment. I don’t think that’s asking or expecting too much of Fate.

I hope everyone reading this article will have a very safe, prosperous, happy and enjoyable 2020!

– RobFather X

Short Mother’s Day Comment

Eyes of Laura MarsToday, as in years past, Facebook will be ridiculously inundated with hundreds of postings about Mother’s Day. *sigh* Many people have already or will be changing their profile or cover banner photo to one of their mother or to one featuring themselves photographed with their mother. Fine. While that act is a nice indicator of honor and remembrance of their living or deceased mother, I’ve always found that sort of thing a bit pointless to do on social media, if not just plain superficial. Then again, Facebook is full of superficial people who do superficial things. As such, I suppose the Facebook profile and cover photo changes on Mother’s Day (and on Father’s Day, too) is par for the course. Again, this is, and has always been my feeling on the matter. Anyone taking offense or strong opposition to it won’t change my mind. In fact, I think those persons would do well to simply accept the fact that everyone will not agree with what they or other people do on social media.
ANYWAY…
One thing which I will never understand is why some men post [on social media] Mother’s Day greetings to each other. Really, fellas? I find that sort of thing absolutely silly, completely unmanly, ignorant, stupid and certainly disrespectful to those women who are or who serve as mothers. I feel the same about those women who post or verbally pass Father’s Day greetings to members of their kind. In recent years, I’ve seen members of my ethnic group do such dumbass shit on Facebook. Where the fuck is the confusion on which parent’s day should be observed or celebrated with honor in the months of May and June? I don’t get it nor do I want to “get it”.
Again, *sigh*.

RobFather X

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© RobFather X! Productions

Orlando Massacre Victims at 49, not 50

I’m still seeing postings from social media users who are saying that fifty (50) men and women were killed in last Sunday’s massacre at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Perhaps it’s insignificant but I think details and facts – no matter how minute, are important in situations like this.

Unless any one of the other 53+ people who were wounded or injured in that incident happen to die from their wounds – and I certainly hope each of them survive and has a healthy recovery – although reports say there are a few in that number who remain on the hospital critical condition watch list, the official death count of human victims in that massacre is still at forty-nine (49), not 50!
Orlando massacre victims (49) (14JUN 2016)
The FBI and other law enforcement agencies do not consider the perpetrator or antagonist killed in any crime a victim in their death count. This is why they [the FBI] do not – and neither should we – consider Orlando assassin and domestic terrorist Omar Mateen, a victim in that incident. I say this so that in our social media postings and social discussions we can correctly state the true number of people killed in that massacre.

Now, click here  or click the photo above to link to an interactive website slide of the still photo from the New York Daily News. The slide shows the name, photo and profile of each of the persons who were murdered Sunday June 12, 2016. Lest there being any misunderstanding, the photo and slide show photos of people; human beings of flesh and blood who, regardless of their sexual orientation, had been living members of our society. They were people who had simply been having a good time; enjoying the American freedom of having a good time with friends, acquaintances and strangers… until their lives were suddenly snatch away needlessly and tragically by… a bullet.

– RobFather X

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© RobFather X! Productions

Annual Friendectomy of My Facebook Friends List

RobFather XIt is January 1st… a day where annually I restart the quarterly clock of friendectomizing (aka “defriending” or “unfriending”) those persons from my Facebook friends list whom I’ve:

  • had little to no meaningful contact or communication exchange over the past several months to complete year… and/or
  • received little to no sign of support or at least some favorable comments for any of my life statuses… and/or
  • determined to have surpassed my patience and tolerance of their religious and political expressions and/or their ignorantly made comments related to certain issues affecting our society… and/or
  • simply lost interest in that person being connected to me in social media.

CHECK IT: The fact that it’s a new year doesn’t mean I have changed or somehow need to modify my desire in wanting and requiring quality social media friendships and relationships. It also doesn’t mean that I need to demonstrate social media “loyalty” by continuing to keep someone – anyone, on my social media friends list who give or offer me nothing. The friendectomized will have to fuckin’ deal with being cut; they will quickly get over the sudden disconnect and move on. After all, it’s just Facebook. More importantly, what have any of them done for me lately?

Keepin’ It…REAL!

Racist, Bigoted Comments Are Not Allowed!

RobFather-XWell! After two years of blogging, I just received my first heavily RACIST comment on this blog, Keepin’ It…REAL! It was a very nasty one, too! I suppose it was time that happened. Considering what I do, perhaps I should expect more hate speech to come my way. Anyway, I’ll take that person’s comment to mean that I am doing something right on this blog by writing about some of the things few others are reluctant or would not dare talk about! That’s a clear sign that I should…keep goingKudos to me!

Don’t bother going to look for the comment, reader; it’s not here. Each of my blogs are my domain of absolute personal self-expression. I simply do not subscribe to nor will I ever agree with the asinine thinking or concept some people have that if one is going to blog then that blogger has to accept and/or allow any comment or remark given by persons who reads that blog. RobFather-X does not have to accept shit! As such, I do not and will not ever allow negative or racist comments or epithets to be posted on any blog of mine. I will always either delete such comments or if necessary, report them to the blogging service.

* SPECIAL NOTE TO THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE RACIST COMMENT *
(and to those who may be considering attacking me in that manner):

1. GROW THE FUCK UP! No one forces anyone to come to this blog or to read a word of it. If you don’t like what you read, don’t comment; just MOVE THE FUCK ON! The web is an infinite place. Surely there are PLENTY of blogs and websites that fit your liking and represent your particular racist thinking and ideas. In other words, don’t go to someone else’s house to shit if you don’t like that house, those people or what they have to say or what they represent. Just stay the fuck away. It’s really that simple and easy!

2. You should know that I have reported the racist comment to my blogging service, WordPress. Shame on you for choosing someone’s blog – which as I implied earlier, is a place where people go to exercise their American Constitutional First Amendment right to express themselves and whatever is on their mind. We bloggers don’t give a fuck if anyone agrees or disagrees with our thoughts and opinions. By their very nature, blogs are not – or rather should not be, a source or forum for debate. That’s usually the primary reason for why most of us blog! (At least it’s the reason for why I blog!)

3. Save the debate and argument shit for social media outlets like Facebook or Twitter – both which are places where one can (and should) peacefully and respectfully participate in a debate or discussion with other people. However, while I love such debates/discussions, one will never find me – RobFather-X, instigating or in the mix of any senseless or disparaging argument. I simply do not argue with anyone on social media and I sure as hell will never argue with anyone on my blogs! At least on many social media outlets, users can immediately block and report faceless, unknown, cowardly racists and bigots. I’m not yet sure if I can block people like you on WordPress but you can bet I’m looking into it and will take whatever action necessary to make sure racist or bigoted comments are not posted on this blog and that your name and computer IP address is reported to the WordPress blogging service. I will do this every time such comments and epithets are found in my comment box. 

Finally…go away asshole and stay the fuck off my blog!

Keepin’ It…REAL!