Easy Looking Back, Difficulty Looking Forward

RobFather (31AUG2019)-1rzWelcome to the year 2020!
In retrospect, the year 2019 is, at the moment, remarkably easy for me to look back on. As with other past years, each of us (some more than others) have experienced various degrees of “highs and lows” or, as some may call it, various aspects of positives and negatives in our respective lives. Trumpism, crazy-ass U.S. congressional antics (which, in my view would include all political parties, lobbyists, and interests), and 2020 presidential campaign nonsense aside, in 2019 I got to enjoy some things and endure and/or suffer through a host of other things (such as a short rollercoaster ride of ill health issues).

One of the worst things I endured in 2019 was facing my first year of not having my mom, Helen Mae Tucker around on this plane of existence for me to call to talk and joke with and wish “Happy Mother’s Day”. Mother’s Day 2019 without my mom was both unhappy and unusually weird for me. That special day came the day after my birthday. I remember being bummed out for that entire weekend. Helen… or “Mom”, as I always respectfully called her, had been my fourth and last foster mother. She was a very good and loving person who was deeply loved and highly respected not only by her family, friends, and neighbors, but by countless others in the immediate community in which she lived, in the church in which she served, and throughout many areas in the city of Philadelphia. Mom and me (August 28, 2012)-rzHelen Tucker… Mom, when she lived, was a widowed mother with three biological kids of her own: two sons – who both had served in Vietnam, and one daughter who was two years older than me when my younger brother Steven (now long since deceased) and I came to live in her peaceful home in mid-summer 1974. Mom had also raised one foster daughter who, at the time when Steven and I arrived, was already grown and about to be married, and several other foster boys between the early 1960s through 1974. Steven and I would be the last two boys she kindly took into her care.

I must note that every foster child Mom raised was a child who was loved, respected, and treated equally as a genuine member of the Tucker Family. In the Tucker home, throughout the large Tucker family of relatives nationwide, by the community, by fellow church members, and certainly by our teachers in the West Philadelphia schools that we kids attended, Mom was well known and respected for raising and having raised a family of sons and daughters (and we kids considered each other siblings of each other) – not a family of foster children. And oh how I dearly felt and treasured that love and respect! In fact, I’m quite certain that I never once heard spoken nor saw the words “foster” or “foster child” used by anyone either in or out of Mom’s house.

When what would have been Mom’s ninety-ninth (99th) birthday this past September 18th, I forced myself to let slide the fact it was her birthday. I did that because I was still in mourning over her passing and knew that very soon after her birthday, the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as the first anniversary of her transition (December 27, 2019), would soon follow and I’d have to again painfully deal with missing my mom during those periods. If you’ve lost a loving parent – particularly one or both whom you loved deeply and dearly in return, then you completely understand what I was mentally and emotionally going through.

Anyway, moving on ….

The year 2019 was yet another full period of me failing to meet and befriend new people with whom I could become friends and also failing to meet someone special for me. By “someone special for me”, I’m talking about meeting a person who I could see first as a potential friend and, as the weeks and months passed, would get to know and perhaps come to like (with the hope that she or he would come to like me in return), eventually date and perhaps the two of us become emotionally and intimately involved. It’s been twelve years since my divorce and each year – hell, each month, I feel lonelier than the year and the immediate month before. *sigh*

While I’m on the subject of dating, it’s often suggested to me that the “best way” to find people to potentially befriend and date is via some of those online dating apps or dating websites. Ha! Yeah, right. When I consider the number of fickle, fake, and/or superficial people I often encounter on electronic social media, I’m not inclined to chance wasting not only my money but my energy and valuable time too, as I visually rake through the virtual identity profiles of people featured on those dating apps/websites who I happened to find attractive and think interesting. I’m simply concerned that I may find and select someone on a dating app/website whose personal criteria are found to be to my liking but then, upon our first face-to-face meeting, learn that person’s profile is proven to be exaggerated or worse, unreal or untrue.

You see, at my age, having the experience of more than fifty years of pre-internet and pre-electronic social media human-to-human interaction, I’m quite “old school” and particular about meeting people who might become my friends and/or someone to date (and/or have sex) in the immediate so-called “real world” – not in cyberspace. It’s in the so-called real world where that person and me – upon our immediate shared-airspace meeting, can and will develop our respective perceptions and assessments of each other. That’s something that can’t be done easily by one merely looking at a photo or video nor by reading a brief (?) social media dating app/website bio or profile description. And so, as of this writing (because I want to be flexible since my attitude may later change about the matter), I’m not [yet] mentally ready nor am I willing to try online dating apps. I simply cannot see myself using them. I also don’t know anyone who is or who has actually used a dating app or dating website; someone I trust who could help guide me through such things. I also do not know anyone who could share with me their own good and/or bad experiences with dating apps/websites. However, if and when my attitude changes about using dating apps/websites and I decide to “put myself out there” in cyberspace in that sort of way, then perhaps I’ll talk about my experience on this blog. Stay tuned!

Aging for a male adult can be a peculiar thing; at least that’s been my experience during the ten years I’ve spent in my fifties. Perhaps I feel the way I do because I live alone, am single (and have been for twelve years) and I feel… alone. Since passing the age of fifty-five several years ago I’ve noticed how I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my mortality. Sometimes I actually do indeed feel as if I have – as the expression goes, one foot in the grave, so to speak. RFX-1 (28MAR2019) rzI won’t deny how thoughts of getting deathly ill or dying sometimes depress me. The good thing is that I know that I need to change my attitude about turning sixty in the next five months. I also take some comfort in knowing that many men – particularly those who manage well their health and stress levels, happen to live to be well into their sixties, seventies, and eighties. A number of healthy elder men are also living well into their nineties! I’ve often said that if my health stays as well as it is today (meaning, that it remains reasonably well for a middle-aged Black man who doesn’t smoke, rarely drinks, manages well his health, diet, stress levels, sexual proclivities, et al), then I could hope to live to see my nineties too.

I suppose the reason why I fear entering my sixties – and getting older from that point, is because I don’t want to suddenly get terribly ill and/or die alone and unhappy. At the moment and for the past several years, all I’ve felt is mere contentment; I don’t have a sense of full or complete happiness. I haven’t felt fully and truly happy about much of anything in more than twelve years. Sure; there have been and there are certain things which make me happy to some small extent, and there are and have been things or situations which cause me to smile and laugh. Over the years of my middle-aged adult life, I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself (as I used to be during and between my teen years and late forties). I’ve also: learned how to either ignore or reject certain things which I can do nothing about, have gotten much better at saying no to those things I’ve been asked to do but really don’t want to do much less have any involvement with, and saying no to and/or denying things to people who, in my perception or previous experience with them, don’t have my best interest at heart. To this day, I continue having moments when I laugh at myself for saying or doing silly things. I also still often talk out loud to myself when I’m alone. I talk to myself because hearing my thoughts in spoken form rather than keeping them silent in my head is, in its own strange and perhaps crazy way, quite therapeutic for me. (Perhaps a few readers can relate to this.)

Sometimes at the end of a day, when I’m alone in my thoughts, either while driving in my car or am sitting in my quiet humble home, I remember that I am not happy with my life at this point. I simply am not feeling happy the way I used to be and used to feel during my youth. I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the early and mid-years of my then-marriage which lasted only eighteen years. And I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the entire twenty years I spent serving in the U.S. Navy. Anyway, I spent much of the past year (2019) doing certain things and planning how to change my attitude for the better. I have been slowly working on finding ways and doing only those things which will either make me very happy or bring me some permanent degree of happiness and satisfaction. I need happiness and I want to be happy and want to feel happy so badly! I’ve learned that in this life, no matter what anyone says or does for you, no one can actually make you happy per se. Each of us has to seek out or work on that particular aspect of life all on our own; and so, I am.
Let me close this blog article with a statement I posted recently on both Facebook and Twitter: RobFather Tweet (26DEC2019)

Mind you, I neither wish to be nor seem negative. I’m simply expressing my truth and being real (as usual on this blog) about how I feel about a possible personal future. I’d say that the word melancholy best describes how I’ve been feeling.

I’m hoping that this year… 2020 – assuming that I live to see all of it, will bring me good health (being the most important), financial prosperity (which is so greatly needed!), and fortune in finding, making, and mutual nurturing new friendships – especially a friendship on the emotionally intimate level; someone for and with whom I can develop, nurture, and have a healthy and strong degree of respect, love, trust, and commitment. I don’t think that’s asking or expecting too much of Fate.

I hope everyone reading this article will have a very safe, prosperous, happy and enjoyable 2020!

– RobFather X

Keepin’ It Real About…ANY New Year!

Life's issues and 2014

While many of you are talking smack about “putting 2013 [shit] behind you”, Some of us are – and will STILL be – carrying 2013 shit into year 2014! Some of us are still dealing with 2013 – and perhaps the same shit from the year – or years before, up to and including the very last fuckin’ day and hour of the current goddamn year. So fuck you and your sense of a positive outlook for 2014! Now, don’t get me wrong; it’s all well and good that you have such sweet expectations for the new year; fuck, nearly everyone seems to catch that new year fever – each and Christmas/X-Mas holiday season. That new year fever reaches its peak in the waning days of each December. To that, I say; Keep those damn new year germs to yourself!

RobFather-X (15)You see, the rest of us more reality type folks will still have to continue to take one muthafuckin’ day at a time in dealing with our respective issues/problems and concerns – regardless of the change in the number of the year. We can only do what we can – as we can and are realistically able, to find and/or create certain satisfactions or achieve that sense of relief to our respective issues and problems. If you think this message is negative, you’re free to take it as such. If you are a regular reader of this blog then you already know that I don’t give a flyin’ fuck whether anyone thinks I’m being positive or negative in the content of anything I write here. In America, everyone is free to write or start their own blog. Take it for action and good luck with that. Meanwhile, and in the here and now, many of my readers know damn well that what I’m spittin’ in this article is the truth! No matter how it may sound or appear, I speak from reality as I see it and as I know it to be. While I can certainly tell a good story, when it comes to the real world, I tend to save fantasy for the non-fiction, comic book and science fiction writers! Most readers of this article fully understand what I’m saying and won’t take my words as being negative or positive because they know that it is all a matter of personal perception.

There are people – good people, Depressed man sitting-3who will be carrying their issues/problems and concerns of the year 2013 – and those from the year before or of past years, well into year 2014. Such problems do not magically go away with some damn “New Year’s resolution!” There are people who still have to deal with a host of shit come January and well into – if not beyond, year 2014. We cannot ignore the fact that someone, perhaps a neighbor or someone close to us, just might be recovering from, putting the final closure on or perhaps finally accepting things such as: a breakup in a long-term relationship, a divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a home or job, a relapse with some addiction, a pending trial or incarceration – particularly for a crime they didn’t commit, or news of some dreadful, awful disease they contracted or which has begun to manifest itself. You just never know what a person is going through! The only thing people in those situations have is hope… for a better and less painful day each and every time Depressed woman-2they wake up. However sometimes, even hope is not enough. People need more – and many of them deserve more and deserve better! Often a kind word that is written or spoken or better yet, a personal visit is all that is needed – particularly if it is done more than once a month or a few times throughout the year if possible. An offer to help – and actually helping is also always appreciated! It is enough that people have a certain sense of mental and spiritual (not religious!) strength and reassurance to keep going and a desire to keep on living as they seek to overcome each and every obstacle in their lives. It is enough that sometimes people must try hard to believe that they will survive as they try hard to not give up their fight while dealing with their problems and concerns.

While I use the word “they” in this article, I am in fact, speaking of each of US! Each one of US has issues/problems and concerns. We might hide them from others but we can’t hide them from ourselves or that person we see in the mirror – if we just stare long angry-black-manenough in the eyes of that reflection! Keep in mind that certain problems which may seem trivial to you may be the most important concern in the life of someone else. Do not dismiss that so easily until you have lived that particular person’s life! Do not ever tell someone how they should feel or how not to feel – particularly if you don’t know that person well or have never experienced the same problems and concerns – and have conquered them! No one has the power to simply direct or control the feelings and emotions of another person. You can however, have an affect on how one feels with certain words you use, in how you use such words, in the tone of your voice and/or with your body language. Do not ever tell someone who shares a problem with you to “man up”, “woman up” or to “get over it”! That’s disrespecting who that person is as an intelligent and civilized human being; one with FEELINGS, EMOTIONS and a CONSCIENCE. You don’t get the right to say such things. As I just mentioned, unless you know that person very well …or have some intention of losing a friend and/or possibly making an enemy, I suggest taking good care in what and how you say certain things where that person is concerned! Personally, if anyone were to say those sorts of things to me, they’d lose a friend and gain an enemy in less than a heartbeat!

With that said, I will further add that you save your empty “I’ll pray for you” bullshit and other weak-ass, do-nothing sentiments. They don’t do a damn thing to help or console anyone, especially the “I’ll pray for you” sentiment. In my view, prayers are just another nude man praying-3 2014way of thinking to one’s self the things one would say to some supreme being believed to have power to change or help that person’s situation or which that person would like see happen towards the dismay of someone else.
Click Praying for 2014 – Not! to read the article that explains my feelings about prayer.

Speaking for those of US who are dealing with issues and matters that hit us this year, and/or which were carried over from last year (2012) and perhaps years prior, I say…don’t be so quick to give thoughtless empty sentiments and offers to pray for someone unless you are prepared to back up or support such sentimental word up with some meaningful and tangible action and unless you are…

  • willing to give us a decent paying job – one withunemployment-usa benefits and affordable medical, dental and vision care;
  • willing to come to our homes and care for our  kids overnight – while we go work some six to eight-hour overnight shift at some part-time job that pays next to nothing;
  • willing to give, not loan us the money needed to help payour rent or mortgage or perhaps a utility bill for the month;
  • willing to loan us that working second or third car – that’s just sitting unused in your garage so that we don’t have to stand in the cold and wetness of winter waiting to catch a bus to get to work and back home;
  • willing to help pay for our bills to creditors past-due-bills2whom we once were successfully paying on our own but due to loss of job or reduction in income, we now can no longer pay;
  • willing to bring us and/or our family, a cooked meal – and to SIT and DINE with us and understand the fact that we want to be treated with dignity and respect, too! Do not merely drop a meal or a check in front of our door and walk away. While appreciated, there is little to no dignity or respect found in such “parting gifts”. And if you are as “Christian” as you say and would have people see and believe, then you’ll remember that Jesus himself dined with people considered the worse of the worse in his society. Nowhere in the biblical New Testament will you find that Jesus partied with the wealthiest people or that he dropped off some food or charity blessing and walked away.
  • Finally, stop looking down on and judging those of us who have never had a taste of the “good life” – such the homeless and destitute in your city and Homeless veterans in the U.S. scalethroughout our country and around the world. You don’t know our story. Stop looking down on and judging those of us who, once a upon a time, DID have a means to live a reasonably comfortable life, obey the law, paid our taxes and who were once content financially until now – due to hardships – such as an unexpected layoffs or loss of a job, an unexpected change in personal or family member’s health/medical situation or in our familyHomeless people camp functioning. Whether our situation is temporary or permanent, the fact is, as of RIGHT NOW, we can no longer have and enjoy the life in which many of you reading this tend to take for granted. Try to remember that while most of us wouldn’t wish our respective plight upon our worst enemy, our situation could very well happen to YOU someday. Count your blessings, quit bitching about and over bullshit matters, then count your blessings again!!

Keep all of this in mind as each of you prepare to party out year 2013. Keep all of this in mind as you make those empty resolutions and tell yourself – and a host of other nosy people who just want to know your business but couldn’t care less about what you do with your life – the many lies on what it is you “resolve to do” in year 2014. However, since many of you have already made new year’s resolutions – with a “promise” to yourself to “stick to it this time”, then you won’t mind some advice on how to succeed in keeping those resolutions. Here it is:
The BEST way to begin or take on any new venture, at any given time – not just at the start of some new year, is to start or take that venture a small bit at a time. No man can easily and instantly stick a dry dick into a dry pussy. Lubrication, time and a little patience has to be applied or the entire effort and the first, second or third attempt will be a fuckin’ waste of your time – which usually results in you wanting to give up that particular venture!

In addition to hoping that each of our respective personal issues get resolved quickly, efficiently and effectively, my only other desire for 2014 is that we each continue to have and maintain good health and a sense of humor about certain things in this life; and that we each get to meet more loyal, honest, respectable, non-judgmental, kind, caring, loving and “down-to-earth” people; and that we each are willing and able to dump or avoid all the fake, fickle and fraudulent people who plague our lives. Only then – and each day that follows in which we are blessed to live, will we have a sense that life for each of us will get better, be more meaningful and happier as we get older.
See? That’s not asking for much!
Have a safe, sexy, healthy and happy fuckin’ 2014!

Keepin’ it…REAL!Happy-New-Year-2014