Easy Looking Back, Difficulty Looking Forward

RobFather (31AUG2019)-1rzWelcome to the year 2020!
In retrospect, the year 2019 is, at the moment, remarkably easy for me to look back on. As with other past years, each of us (some more than others) have experienced various degrees of “highs and lows” or, as some may call it, various aspects of positives and negatives in our respective lives. Trumpism, crazy-ass U.S. congressional antics (which, in my view would include all political parties, lobbyists, and interests), and 2020 presidential campaign nonsense aside, in 2019 I got to enjoy some things and endure and/or suffer through a host of other things (such as a short rollercoaster ride of ill health issues).

One of the worst things I endured in 2019 was facing my first year of not having my mom, Helen Mae Tucker around on this plane of existence for me to call to talk and joke with and wish “Happy Mother’s Day”. Mother’s Day 2019 without my mom was both unhappy and unusually weird for me. That special day came the day after my birthday. I remember being bummed out for that entire weekend. Helen… or “Mom”, as I always respectfully called her, had been my fourth and last foster mother. She was a very good and loving person who was deeply loved and highly respected not only by her family, friends, and neighbors, but by countless others in the immediate community in which she lived, in the church in which she served, and throughout many areas in the city of Philadelphia. Mom and me (August 28, 2012)-rzHelen Tucker… Mom, when she lived, was a widowed mother with three biological kids of her own: two sons – who both had served in Vietnam, and one daughter who was two years older than me when my younger brother Steven (now long since deceased) and I came to live in her peaceful home in mid-summer 1974. Mom had also raised one foster daughter who, at the time when Steven and I arrived, was already grown and about to be married, and several other foster boys between the early 1960s through 1974. Steven and I would be the last two boys she kindly took into her care.

I must note that every foster child Mom raised was a child who was loved, respected, and treated equally as a genuine member of the Tucker Family. In the Tucker home, throughout the large Tucker family of relatives nationwide, by the community, by fellow church members, and certainly by our teachers in the West Philadelphia schools that we kids attended, Mom was well known and respected for raising and having raised a family of sons and daughters (and we kids considered each other siblings of each other) – not a family of foster children. And oh how I dearly felt and treasured that love and respect! In fact, I’m quite certain that I never once heard spoken nor saw the words “foster” or “foster child” used by anyone either in or out of Mom’s house.

When what would have been Mom’s ninety-ninth (99th) birthday this past September 18th, I forced myself to let slide the fact it was her birthday. I did that because I was still in mourning over her passing and knew that very soon after her birthday, the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as the first anniversary of her transition (December 27, 2019), would soon follow and I’d have to again painfully deal with missing my mom during those periods. If you’ve lost a loving parent – particularly one or both whom you loved deeply and dearly in return, then you completely understand what I was mentally and emotionally going through.

Anyway, moving on ….

The year 2019 was yet another full period of me failing to meet and befriend new people with whom I could become friends and also failing to meet someone special for me. By “someone special for me”, I’m talking about meeting a person who I could see first as a potential friend and, as the weeks and months passed, would get to know and perhaps come to like (with the hope that she or he would come to like me in return), eventually date and perhaps the two of us become emotionally and intimately involved. It’s been twelve years since my divorce and each year – hell, each month, I feel lonelier than the year and the immediate month before. *sigh*

While I’m on the subject of dating, it’s often suggested to me that the “best way” to find people to potentially befriend and date is via some of those online dating apps or dating websites. Ha! Yeah, right. When I consider the number of fickle, fake, and/or superficial people I often encounter on electronic social media, I’m not inclined to chance wasting not only my money but my energy and valuable time too, as I visually rake through the virtual identity profiles of people featured on those dating apps/websites who I happened to find attractive and think interesting. I’m simply concerned that I may find and select someone on a dating app/website whose personal criteria are found to be to my liking but then, upon our first face-to-face meeting, learn that person’s profile is proven to be exaggerated or worse, unreal or untrue.

You see, at my age, having the experience of more than fifty years of pre-internet and pre-electronic social media human-to-human interaction, I’m quite “old school” and particular about meeting people who might become my friends and/or someone to date (and/or have sex) in the immediate so-called “real world” – not in cyberspace. It’s in the so-called real world where that person and me – upon our immediate shared-airspace meeting, can and will develop our respective perceptions and assessments of each other. That’s something that can’t be done easily by one merely looking at a photo or video nor by reading a brief (?) social media dating app/website bio or profile description. And so, as of this writing (because I want to be flexible since my attitude may later change about the matter), I’m not [yet] mentally ready nor am I willing to try online dating apps. I simply cannot see myself using them. I also don’t know anyone who is or who has actually used a dating app or dating website; someone I trust who could help guide me through such things. I also do not know anyone who could share with me their own good and/or bad experiences with dating apps/websites. However, if and when my attitude changes about using dating apps/websites and I decide to “put myself out there” in cyberspace in that sort of way, then perhaps I’ll talk about my experience on this blog. Stay tuned!

Aging for a male adult can be a peculiar thing; at least that’s been my experience during the ten years I’ve spent in my fifties. Perhaps I feel the way I do because I live alone, am single (and have been for twelve years) and I feel… alone. Since passing the age of fifty-five several years ago I’ve noticed how I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of my mortality. Sometimes I actually do indeed feel as if I have – as the expression goes, one foot in the grave, so to speak. RFX-1 (28MAR2019) rzI won’t deny how thoughts of getting deathly ill or dying sometimes depress me. The good thing is that I know that I need to change my attitude about turning sixty in the next five months. I also take some comfort in knowing that many men – particularly those who manage well their health and stress levels, happen to live to be well into their sixties, seventies, and eighties. A number of healthy elder men are also living well into their nineties! I’ve often said that if my health stays as well as it is today (meaning, that it remains reasonably well for a middle-aged Black man who doesn’t smoke, rarely drinks, manages well his health, diet, stress levels, sexual proclivities, et al), then I could hope to live to see my nineties too.

I suppose the reason why I fear entering my sixties – and getting older from that point, is because I don’t want to suddenly get terribly ill and/or die alone and unhappy. At the moment and for the past several years, all I’ve felt is mere contentment; I don’t have a sense of full or complete happiness. I haven’t felt fully and truly happy about much of anything in more than twelve years. Sure; there have been and there are certain things which make me happy to some small extent, and there are and have been things or situations which cause me to smile and laugh. Over the years of my middle-aged adult life, I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself (as I used to be during and between my teen years and late forties). I’ve also: learned how to either ignore or reject certain things which I can do nothing about, have gotten much better at saying no to those things I’ve been asked to do but really don’t want to do much less have any involvement with, and saying no to and/or denying things to people who, in my perception or previous experience with them, don’t have my best interest at heart. To this day, I continue having moments when I laugh at myself for saying or doing silly things. I also still often talk out loud to myself when I’m alone. I talk to myself because hearing my thoughts in spoken form rather than keeping them silent in my head is, in its own strange and perhaps crazy way, quite therapeutic for me. (Perhaps a few readers can relate to this.)

Sometimes at the end of a day, when I’m alone in my thoughts, either while driving in my car or am sitting in my quiet humble home, I remember that I am not happy with my life at this point. I simply am not feeling happy the way I used to be and used to feel during my youth. I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the early and mid-years of my then-marriage which lasted only eighteen years. And I’m not feeling happy the way I did during the entire twenty years I spent serving in the U.S. Navy. Anyway, I spent much of the past year (2019) doing certain things and planning how to change my attitude for the better. I have been slowly working on finding ways and doing only those things which will either make me very happy or bring me some permanent degree of happiness and satisfaction. I need happiness and I want to be happy and want to feel happy so badly! I’ve learned that in this life, no matter what anyone says or does for you, no one can actually make you happy per se. Each of us has to seek out or work on that particular aspect of life all on our own; and so, I am.
Let me close this blog article with a statement I posted recently on both Facebook and Twitter: RobFather Tweet (26DEC2019)

Mind you, I neither wish to be nor seem negative. I’m simply expressing my truth and being real (as usual on this blog) about how I feel about a possible personal future. I’d say that the word melancholy best describes how I’ve been feeling.

I’m hoping that this year… 2020 – assuming that I live to see all of it, will bring me good health (being the most important), financial prosperity (which is so greatly needed!), and fortune in finding, making, and mutual nurturing new friendships – especially a friendship on the emotionally intimate level; someone for and with whom I can develop, nurture, and have a healthy and strong degree of respect, love, trust, and commitment. I don’t think that’s asking or expecting too much of Fate.

I hope everyone reading this article will have a very safe, prosperous, happy and enjoyable 2020!

– RobFather X

Funerals and Memorial Services

A_Franklin funeral program book coverI was asked whether I watched or had recorded to watch later, some or all of the broadcast of Aretha Franklin’s funeral (held Friday, August 31, 2018). Here’s my response to that question.

No; I did not watch it, nor had I any intention of watching coverage of Aretha Franklin’s funeral. However, I did see a few very short video clips of her funeral as it was part of the local news here in Michigan (many of the Saginaw, Michigan area newspapers, and TV news and radio news stations were present at that funeral to cover it) and the ABC television network’s national evening news. I’m sure that networks like BET for example, and several internet websites will have various video clips of Aretha Franklin’s funeral. That content is sure to be available online if someday I’m ready or am willing to see and hear it.

Now, I did not know Aretha Franklin on any personal or professional level. I was – and still am, simply a lifelong fan of her work. I respected the late Queen of Soul and her music career. Aretha was not just a fellow Black American; she was an outstanding and talented individual, and a strong, independent woman. Had the opportunity to meet her presented itself, I would have been quite honored! I loved and still love most of Aretha’s music – much of which I’ve listened to since my childhood. However, as I’ve said, I did not watch the televised coverage of her funeral. In fact, I chose not to watch it. You see, I hate funerals and memorial services and will try to avoid going to such organized ceremonies which honor the dead. And since I do not like going to funerals or to memorial services (and I’m sure many other people don’t like going to them either, yet they still choose to go out of some obligation), I’d be damned if I was ever going to watch such a ceremony – not even one held for Aretha Franklin – on television.
(From this point forward, the following may offend some readers.)

_Funerals, memorial services1As far as I’m concerned, funeral and memorial services are not for the deceased but instead are for much of the vanity, egotistical and/or religious feelings, and sensitivities of the people who are living. Many people who want to have a funeral or memorial service for some loved or admired and respected person, only want that ceremony so that they can attend said ceremony, be seen there, and perhaps – if so allowed, to even speak at the service ceremony about the deceased. I suppose that’s okay, but some people only want to use the solemn ceremony for very selfish means.

I feel some funerals and memorial services are nothing more than a human ego sideshow for some of the [living] attendees – which would include some nefarious family members with an agenda, as well as so-called “friends” and/or frenemies of the deceased (a frenemy is a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry); persons who might use the occasion to either deceive themselves and/or someone else with displays of sympathy and mourning as they perform the pointless yet often meaningless acts of “paying their respects” to a…. dead person. The “respect” those persons call themselves paying should have been paid when the deceased person was alive; a time when signs of respect from other living people would have been appreciated. I know that I’d certainly appreciate people showering me with lots of love, affection, tears, and favorable comments about my character, and give me sweet flowers while I’m still alive and still mentally aware to see, hear, sense, and enjoy all of it!

Being non-religious and thereby non-superstitious, I do not believe that any spirit or ghost of a dead person travels to another place of existence nor believes that person’s spirit or ghost returns to visit the living (much less returns in time to attend their own funeral or memorial service). Furthermore, I seriously doubt the dead is capable of having any interest in displays of so-called “respect” [post-death] and would be even less interested in any organized ceremony which the living has put together to honor their death. Now, whether there are a few or there are several people who are actively involved in the funeral or memorial service preparation, some or many members of the family and close friends of the deceased might feel or might be made to feel or believe that the spirit or ghost of the deceased is able to give a damn about things like funeral preparations; Supposed spirit, ghost of the deceased1that the spirit/ghost of the deceased is present and watching to see whether they were going to have a nice, extravagant  funeral or simply a small, awful or perhaps a shitty funeral or memorial service. Playing with the ignorant yet religious or superstitious assumptions that the spirit or ghost of the deceased might linger around after the body has died or that it may return to monitor funeral or memorial service arrangements and implementation held in their honor, I challenge anyone to tell me exactly what, if anything, could the spirit/ghost of the deceased do about such things, particularly of said spirit/ghost isn’t pleased with the funeral or memorial service arrangements or with certain aspects of that ceremony.

It’s little wonder then why funeral and memorial service planners and directors make such big money. Death is big business! It’s quite easy to play upon the grief, stress, frustrations, confusion, and internal turmoil of a grieving family. Casket styles 4 saleSuch a family – often out of some guilt and/or perhaps because of their religious views, silly superstitions, or a family “curse” or fear, might succumb to all the funeral or memorial service preparation hype. I’m talking about the kind of hype that’s offered (perhaps pushed) by or added onto their grief-influenced decision-making by many supposedly sensitive and caring professional funeral and memorial services planners and directors; some of whom never miss a moment to remind the grieving family – particularly the person(s) who will be paying for the funeral or memorial service, that a particular ceremony amenity may be best for that husband, wife, mother, brother, sister, partner or friend of the deceasedIt’s not as though the “dearly departed” could either approve or disapprove with the funeral or memorial service arrangements.

Many years ago, I promised myself to never again attend or participate in a person’s funeral or memorial service unless it was under one or all of the following three conditions:

  • the funeral or memorial service was for someone whom I knew personally; someone whose airspace I had shared a number of times and/or for whom there had long been a mutual sense of love, respect, and admiration;
  • the funeral or memorial service was part of my job as a [then] military man or, if the deceased was an honorably discharged veteran – Burial at sea_USS PELELIU (USNavy)1-rzand fellow veterans were needed to volunteer to assist in the ceremony either as ushers, processional drivers, or pallbearers; or to assist with other ceremonial details such as serving as a member of the honor guard at the deceased veteran’s burial site which might either be at a cemetery or at sea.
    [S/N: During my service in the U.S. Navy, I had the distinct honor to participate in every function just mentioned for a number of U.S. Navy and U.S. Marine Corps deceased veterans whose bodies were to be buried in either a cemetery or at sea, or whose ashes were to be scattered at sea.];
  • the funeral or memorial service was for a fellow and respected member of the fraternal order of Freemasons (of which I am a member), and that Masonic brother either was or had at some point of his service as a Mason, been a member of either my Masonic lodge or at some other Masonic lodge.

Once again it bears repeating: funerals and memorial services are for the livingThe dead…. that cold, lifeless human body that is being prepped for public display (aka a “wake”) has no say in the matter; unless of course the deceased had previously stated in a will or in some other legal or certified document, the desired details of their funeral or memorial service. Such documents may have instructions indicating the wishes of the deceased regarding things like: organ and tissue donation/dissemination, funeral or memorial service arrangements – including who is allowed/not allowed to attend said service/ceremony, and body burial or disposition (e.g., cremation) details. Often a member of the family – usually a spouse, an immediate relative, a parent of the deceased, someone with power of attorney (POA) for the deceased, or a personal or family attorney for the deceased, would be aware of such final instructions. Either that person or someone else who is recognized as the head of the family or the designated representative of the family will usually see to it that the wishes of the deceased, if any, are carried out. That person often works in concert or with the cooperation of the rest of the family to see that proper and desired funeral or memorial service arrangements for the deceased are carefully and properly planned and implemented.

In the United States, funerals and memorial services are considered private citizen type affairs; having only minor to no interference by the local and state governments other than of course, the laws in which all medical personnel, coroners, funeral and memorial service planners and directors must follow. Memorial services1However, if for some reason the deceased had no living spouse, no relatives, or anyone legally authorized to act in his or her stead for post-death affairs (e.g. like the aforementioned organ and tissue donation/dissemination, funeral or memorial service arrangements, and body burial or disposition details, etc.), or if the deceased had no legal representation in such matters, nor any legal document indicating their post-death wishes, then the local and/or state government steps in and does whatever standing ordinance and/or state law requires in such matters.

I have been to my share of funerals and/or memorial services over the past thirty years to have been disappointed and sometimes appalled by some of the hypocrisy demonstrated by some of the people who attended the funeral or the memorial service of persons I personally knew and had loved and respected. Those experiences and perceptions helped shape my opinion and attitude about funerals and memorial services. I have little reason yet to change how I feel.

– RobFather X

Saturday’s Options

Unless you have to work, Saturday (or any other day you consider a “Saturday” when you don’t have to work or go to school) is a great time to simply… relax. Consider using the opportunity to do nothing in particular or only those things you enjoy; the kind of things which will relax your mind, heal and/or pleasure your body and, if necessary, improve your attitude after a long, and perhaps stressful week.
MP's SatOpts-1aAnd whether you choose to spend all or part of Saturday indoors or out, remember that you have options on how to use your free time to make the day all about pleasing… YOU!

Be safe and enjoy!

– RobFather X

Blame the Played, Not the Player!

Joel Osteen
Joel Osteen is just one of many pastoral and evangelical con artists operating in the Christian religion. The saddest thing is that many people who have seen this meme of humor and truth [which I did not design but found on the internet] don’t mind at all the workings – or the wealth – of men and women like Osteen. If I had Osteen’s charisma and good looks (because I already have sufficient Bible knowledge, the public speaking talent and the ability to bullshit a mutherfucker on a dime), I too could get filthy rich by conning a bunch of people about the existence of mythological characters, places and the supposed happening of events noted in a man-written, multi-edited best-seller book called “The Holy Bible”. My mom used to always say (and she halfway expected) that I should be a preacher. (Sorry, Mom; having two in the family is enough!)

Regarding men and women like Joel Osteen, here’s some “old school” Philly street boy advice from yours truly:
“Blame the person who got played, not the player. He (or she) is simply skilled at what they do. That’s it. It’s not the player’s fault if you got or are getting played, especially when someone wise tries to warn and school you about the player and his/her game way beforehand.”

RobFather X

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© RobFather X! Productions

Short Mother’s Day Comment

Eyes of Laura MarsToday, as in years past, Facebook will be ridiculously inundated with hundreds of postings about Mother’s Day. *sigh* Many people have already or will be changing their profile or cover banner photo to one of their mother or to one featuring themselves photographed with their mother. Fine. While that act is a nice indicator of honor and remembrance of their living or deceased mother, I’ve always found that sort of thing a bit pointless to do on social media, if not just plain superficial. Then again, Facebook is full of superficial people who do superficial things. As such, I suppose the Facebook profile and cover photo changes on Mother’s Day (and on Father’s Day, too) is par for the course. Again, this is, and has always been my feeling on the matter. Anyone taking offense or strong opposition to it won’t change my mind. In fact, I think those persons would do well to simply accept the fact that everyone will not agree with what they or other people do on social media.
ANYWAY…
One thing which I will never understand is why some men post [on social media] Mother’s Day greetings to each other. Really, fellas? I find that sort of thing absolutely silly, completely unmanly, ignorant, stupid and certainly disrespectful to those women who are or who serve as mothers. I feel the same about those women who post or verbally pass Father’s Day greetings to members of their kind. In recent years, I’ve seen members of my ethnic group do such dumbass shit on Facebook. Where the fuck is the confusion on which parent’s day should be observed or celebrated with honor in the months of May and June? I don’t get it nor do I want to “get it”.
Again, *sigh*.

RobFather X

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© RobFather X! Productions