National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness DAY 2015

National Black HIV-AIDS Awareness Day (Feb 7, 2015)Today (February 7) is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.
Read more about National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day at the links below.

PLEASE NOTE: While HIV/AIDS information and prevention knowledge is important for everyone, regardless of ethnicity, statistics have always shown that Black people – and other people of color, tend to rate among the highest in world society who are infected with HIV, who don’t normally get tested and who go untreated.

This annual campaign is designed and promoted to encourage sexually active men and women of color to learn more – as in the FACTS about the virus, to get tested for HIV regularly, to learn and to know one’s personal health status where HIV – or any STD/STI virus for that matter, is concerned, to practice safe sex and to insist that one’s sexual partner do the same.

Here are the links to check out:
http://nationalblackaidsday.org/
http://gettested.cdc.gov/
http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2015/02/07/op-ed-how-do-we-stop-hiv-crisis-among-gay-black-men

Keepin’ It...REAL!

Don’t Fear the Sexual Hypothetical/What-If Scenario!

Sex QuestionsWhen it comes to discussions of sexuality, I continue to be amazed at people who often take deeply personal a hypothetical or what-if scenario/situation. To some degree, I can understand why this tends to happen. I can also appreciate people saying what they would or would not do in a given sexual situation – although in reality, no one can ever say with any degree of certainty what it is they would do/not do until they are presented with a particular circumstance.

It’s fine for people to give their first or initial thoughts on hypotheticals but while the first thought is usually the most honest, it has certain limitations for often it is based solely on the current experiences, knowledge/education, personal morals and beliefs of that person. I like to challenge people with the “two people – of the same gender – stranded on an island” hypothetical scenario. Under this scenario, where I purposefully choose people of the same gender (just to make it interesting), I explain [or rather prove] how new experiences often can cause a person to change or modify their previous thinking and beliefs and the probable actions one might take in a given situation, proving that rarely are there any absolutes about anything when it comes to certain things, especially with sexuality.

There are people who always apply certain hypotheticals/what-ifs to themselves and/or their lives in such a personal manner that they either ignore or forget that the hypothetical question or situation presented to them is only meant to challenge their imagination and broaden their thinking; it’s not meant to do anything more.  Sexual hypotheticals/what-if scenarios do not invade one’s personal life or privacy. Given responses or answers to questions asked are never meant to give anyone some firmWhat if-1 indication or implication that a person will necessarily perform, might perform or even want to perform some activity mentioned in the hypothetical/what-if scenario. In effect, such answers would be (or rather should be) considered conjecture; simply an opinion based on incomplete information, not facts or actuality, since the person is responding to a what-if situation. It could be a long-term hidden fantasy or desire of the respondent but answering the questions given does not necessarily prove anything. This is especially important to note when such questions and answers are presented/given in the company of people with whom everyone is – for the most part, a stranger, such as in a college classroom or public forum environment.  For obvious reasons, many people are comfortable in such settings; they feel they won’t be judged as harshly by strangers than they would by the people they know, which is why such environments are the best in which to exercise hypotheticals/what-if scenarios.

In discussions and debates regarding sexuality, I’ve been challenging people for years to open their minds and let their imagination run free regarding various things related to sex and sexuality. My intent is to get people to understand that human sexuality is fluid; The-Kinsey-Scale (illustrated-2)meaning, it is capable of flowing in any mental or emotional direction depending on the individual. I do not believe it has strict absolutes. I believe sexuality is subject only to the imagination, desires and limitations of the human mind and emotional attraction. Sexuality has far too many variables, inconsistencies, mediums and extremes to be assigned some number or range on the renowned Kinsey Scale or some absolute sexual assignment labels such as “heterosexual/straight” “homosexual/gay” or “50/50 or bisexual for it to be considered as a strict absolute or some kind of black and white, hot or cold or soft or hard entity of physically intimate pleasure.
NOTE: Contrary to the “equally heterosexual/equally homosexual” rating/level noted on the Kinsey Scale, factually, most (if not all) bisexual people do not base their sexual attractions and emotions on a level that clear and cut. Although there is SOME CLOSENESS to an even or equal attraction to both genders, most bisexual people lean more towards being straight than gay while others lean more towards being more gay than straight. (See my article Does Bisexuality Exist?)

Because I understand human imagination, particularly when it comes to human sexuality, I try to diminish the prejudices, stereotypes and myths which many heterosexual or straight people tend to have in thinking or believing that certain sexual interests or activities are “exclusively done” by homosexual people. I seek to erase the notion that no straight person would ever engage in – or think of engaging in any sexual activity consideredbisexual men & women to be – or believed to be homosexual or gay in nature. The belief of some straight people seems to be this: no bona fide straight person wants to admit or will ever admit to doing or having done any particular sex act which they personally – or perhaps someone else, might consider to be “gay” since it might be some indicator to friends/family that the straight person doing the sex act or expressing a desire to do the sex act, could himself be a homosexual.
Examples of the interests or activities which many straight people naïvely think of as being “gay” or “done by gays only” – but which in fact, many straight people have also been known to do would include:

  • complimenting or playful teasing another member of the same gender on the look/appearance of their nude body, breasts or genitals
  • engaging in sports or playful activities in the nude with members of the same gender
  • watching pornography with members of the same gender
  • mutual masturbation or having a “circle jerk” with members of the same gender
  • masturbating to the sound or visual images of a member of the same gender having homosexual or heterosexual sex
  • anilingus – the enjoyment of, or having a desire to perform the act
  • self-fellatio (sucking your own penis)
  • tasting or ingesting one’s own seminal or vaginal fluids
  • men who enjoy the stimulation of their anus during masturbation or when having sex with their female partner
  • men who own and use dildos for anal stimulation during masturbation
  • being a nudist/naturist or an exhibitionist (there is a difference between the two)
  • visiting nude beaches and colonies or participating in exhibitionist events
  • touching the nude body and/or genitals of someone of the same gender during a group sex activity (almost impossible NOT to do in that environment)
  • platonically kissing a member of the same gender out of respect, love and brotherly affection (occurs often in other countries)
  • sharing a random homosexual thought or fantasy but not acting on it
    (Many straight people have homosexual thoughts on occasion but are never driven to act on them!)
  • the heterosexual person engaging in a homosexual sexual activity:
    NOTE: Usually experimental but sometimes intentional: can occur under a variety of circumstances. While the sexual activity is homosexual, engagement does not make or imply that the heterosexual person is bisexual or homosexual.
  • the homosexual person engaging in a heterosexual sexual activity:
    NOTE: Usually experimental but sometimes intentional; can occur under a variety of circumstances. While the sexual activity is heterosexual, engagement does not make or imply that the homosexual person is bisexual or heterosexual.

I believe and have argued for decades that sexual orientation is a natural gene assignment with which people are born. It is not something people choose as their natural sexual drive and attraction. A person cannot “pray away” or be psychologically driven from his/her Black bearsnatural sexual orientation any more than one’s skin color can be “prayed away”. It simply does not work. A person can suppress feelings and attractions for someone of the same gender (which is the same as denying one’s true nature) but the feelings do not go away. It is a part of who that person is. People are born to be one of the following sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or asexual while some are born feeling that they should be the opposite of their physical gender.
**Note about transgender people (of which one of my older brothers happens to be [male to female]: all transgender people are not gay.

Prudish heterosexual people, particularly many of those who happened to be narrow-minded or close-minded persons of color, need to accept the fact that as young boys and girls reach adolescence, they develop certain sexual curiosities. They do things like self-caressing, light touching and playing with their genitals as they explore sensuality and experiment with various forms of sexual self-stimulation, which often includes or supplements masturbation. Sometimes adolescents will do this with close and trusting friends who might have the same interests or who have had some sexual experience. I would find it almost laughable if it weren’t a damn shame that so many people to whom I’ve talked, acted as if they had never done anything of the sort when they were kids. Well, it is exactly because of the ignorance of people – feigned or otherwise, which prompted the writing of this article.

Heterosexual couple in bed-1I’ve had many discussions or debates related to sexuality with so-called “grown folk”, some who claimed themselves to be “sexual freaks”. A “sexual freak” – or simply “freak”, is supposed to be that male or female who is ready and willing to engage in some nasty, unorthodox things sexually. Let me inform readers not to be put off by the term “freak” in this sense since it really means and implies nothing except perhaps to the person with whom the so-called “freak” is having sex with. It’s nothing but hype and bravado to illustrate someone’s hugely exaggerated sexual prowess.

I have experienced situations where a discussion of certain sexual topics degraded from being that of fun and interesting to sheer rudeness, irritation and implied judgments. For example, I’d present certain hypotheticals or what-if scenarios to the discussion floor. Depending on who is participating in said discussion and/or what the question or hypothetical challenge happens to be, thereBisexual-2 usually would always be that one person, sometimes two or more, who would forget themselves and become highly defensive or offended – as though I had touched some nerve in their psyche, had tried to convince them to try some sexual activity or suggest that they do something against their will – when I give follow-up questions to their comments or responses. It wouldn’t be long before those particular people began introducing their personal or social mores and religious rhetoric into the hypothetical/what-if scenario itself, forgetting or ignoring the basic understanding of what a hypothetical situation or what-if scenario is developed to be! When hypothetical/what-if scenarios are presented, they cannot be changed or modified (except by the originator) otherwise, the entire hypothetical/what-if scenario is pointless.

When presenting a hypothetical situation or what-if scenario, I listen carefully to what people say in response and how they say it. I’m listening for unsure hesitations, exaggerations, contradictions and certain other signs that might make the person look or appear vulnerable which might serve as an opening for me to ask certain follow-up questions.  In my experience, I have met people of various sexual orientations who are very black-couple-bedcomfortable with their sexuality and with sharing sexual experiences. Some are flexible in their thinking and have little to no problem with follow-up questions or participating in hypothetical/what-if scenarios, while others tend to be more adamant or stubborn. In my view, many people who are open-minded and have several years of sexual experience seem far less judgmental of those who admit to having experimented with certain things sexual or expressing a desire to do things related to sexuality. Many open-minded people tend to be more educated (although degree levels are not necessarily proof of one’s education about certain things), have traveled to various parts of the country and the world, have more experience by a measure of years in life and tend to have a “to each his own”, non-judgmental mentality. I tend to favor and give serious validation to such people for I am one of them.

Certain hypotheticals or what-if scenarios can often mirror a person’s own experiences or sometimes, a person can relate to the hypothetical, being that they too, have had a similar real-life exposure or experience or perhapsSilhoette-people a fantasy of the details of that particular hypothetical situation/what if scenario. Some people have admitted that drugs or alcohol played a vital role in lowering or helping to lower their sexual and/or moral inhibitions. For some, those influences never caused one to get to the point of making that user completely unaware of what was actually happening to or around them. I’ve spoken with people who have enjoyed sharing stories of their sexual experience. Some of those people are or were either married, single, in long-term relationships, swingers, polyamorous, a fuck buddy, a “friend with benefits” (FWB), straight, gay, bisexual or pan sexual; they were either White, Black, Hispanic, Latino or of Asian decent and had come from a variety of professions and occupations. Some have educational levels ranging from high school to doctorates, while others were members of either the high, middle and low economic class. I mention this only to show that when it comes to sexuality, the diversity pool of open-minded people is real and it is awesome!

As we develop and participate in hypothetical situations and what-if scenarios, let’s remember that ideally people in society should not – or rather are not supposed to judge others for their sexual ideas, thoughts, desires and fantasies. Although we make tolerances to the closed-mindedness of certain religions and their rhetoric on sex-related “sinful thinking”, we do not [as of yet] live in an Orwellian society – nor should such an environment ever be created or implied where one cannot feel free to express or share his or her thoughts and fantasies in a respectful manner in the company of peers and like-minded individuals.

Check it: An awesome phrase I often live by (as it reflects my line of thinking) was written and spoken by the awesome funk recording artist Prince – some twenty-four years ago, in his song Electric Chair featured on the 1989 Batman original motion picture soundtrack (OMPS). Prince writes:

Prince  (1989)If a man is considered guilty
4 what goes on in his mind
Then give me the electric chair
4 all my future crimes

Prince’s idea is that people have thoughts and fantasies of all kinds of things! They should not be judged for thinking or mentally creating them! In my interpretation of the song, Prince implies that he cannot be the only one with the things he’s been thinking about. Even if he were, he ought not to be judged for having his thoughts, for he will continue to have them… and many more! Prince implies that his thoughts may be of things with which other people might not necessarily agree or even enjoy. In effect, he is saying: “You might as well kill me now, for as I continue to live, so shall I continue to think; to use my imagination, no matter where it will take me.”
In the song Electric Chair, Prince never once implied that he would actually make his thoughts a reality – although any thought can become a reality! Prince demonstrates his free-thinker attitude when he goes on to say:

U whispered something
It took my mind out like a
G flat major with an E in the bass
Your face looked so good
I wanted to touch your mouth
My brain is jackin’ all over the place

Again, Prince sees an object of sexual desire but – rather than take any physical action, or acting on the desire, he explains what he wants to do and how his mind is affected and is going crazy over the idea or the fantasy of actually performing the desires of his heart and mind!
As the song nears the end, Prince repeats a few lines from the first stanza of the song:

I saw your friend 1st
That’s who I danced with
All the time I was watchin’ u (I was watchin’ u)
The music rocked us
Our lives shocked us
Makin’ us see a trippy picture shoo

Here again, (in my interpretation) Prince is expressing his fantasy – brought on by what he sees. In this stanza – which is a repeat of the first in the song Electric Chair, Prince implies that his fantasy is apparently in sync with that of the person to whom he is looking; Prince assumes that the person looking back at him has the same fantasy! This is an example of mental FANTASY at work! This is an example of a simple hypothetical situation or a what-if scenario at play in the human mind! It MEANS NOTHING and IMPLIES NOTHING in terms of any actual physical action/interaction…that is until such time – if ever, the fantasy becomes a REALITY.

Now, I’ve used one song to explain what people ought to be doing in terms of using their imagination in sharing a sexual fantasy and in understanding a sexual hypothetical/what-if scenario. When presented with a sexual hypothetical  or what-if scenario which you feel is offensive, or when asked if you’ve ever had a fantasy about “X”, or in doing “X”, stop to think before getting defensive and reacting Ask the Hypothetical Questionnegatively with your mouth. If you have never fantasized about doing “X” then simply say nothing… or respond with, “No, it never crossed my mind…” and LEAVE IT THERE! To say anything else or to give some reason(s) for why someone else would or should not ever do “X”, or to raise some personal and/or religious reasons for why someone else should not think about doing “X”, is to place yourself above others as being a self-righteous, self-appointed judge or critic of the persons who have chosen to participate in the hypothetical/what-if scenario and who simply wish to share their personal and/or known experiences or desires. As far as I’m concerned, judging people for wanting to express themselves in this manner is WRONG! When it comes to a sexual hypothetical situation/what-if scenario, that’s about as real as it gets!

Keepin’ It…REAL!
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© RobFather-X! Productions. All rights reserved.

Question of the Week (series) / K-QOW No. 2

QUESTION: Why do people, in a moment of desperation, offer to whore themselves if it means keeping you in their lives?

MY COMMENT: As a man of high standards, I could never offer – or ever accept – consistent sexual favors for any reason (no matter how good the sex may have been with that person). When people do that, I tend to think far less of them than when I first developed the opinion!

Keepin’ It…REAL!

Now, what say YOU? Post your comments below!

[Click here for K-QOW No. 1]

 

Self-love (and Viewing Pornography) Is NOT Cheating

May is National Masturbation Month. With that in mind, I thought I’d share part of a response I made on another forum, with some added thoughts regarding the controversial and often debated question of whether or not self-love (aka masturbation) and viewing pornography is considered cheating on your partner.

I’m a highly sexual creature, with a strong but CONTROLLABLE, sexual appetite. That’s pretty damn good for someone my age! While I enjoy partner sex, sometimes I simply WANT to be with or often feel the need to please…myself. Therefore, if I feel the need to “rub one out”, and pornography helps me to achieve that “nut” (because by nature, many MEN rely on VISUAL STIMULATION for sexual gratification), then I’m going to want my hassle-free sexual right and freedom from my lover or sexual partner to do just that… and to do so without my partner tripping! In most cases and with many men, self-love, self-pleasuring or masturbation (let’s call it what it is!) has no adverse reflection on the other person in the relationship. If one was masturbating often and enjoyed doing that activity before finding a regular sex partner AND establishing a regular and long-term sexual and emotional relationship with that person, what indication is there and what law is there, to declare that masturbation should just stop being a personal solo, sexual activity?

Many women (and oddly, some men too) seem to think that once a relationship is in effect, especially MARRIAGE, all self-pleasuring should just stop cold turkey. Wrong! But still such people seem to feel that this is the way things are “meant to be”. Many ministers condemn the act of self-pleasure after marriage. They either preach to their congregations or state in personal counseling that masturbation is a “cheating against the spouse” and “is a sin against God”. I have actually heard people say (or rather, have lied) about how they “no longer have a need or desire to ever masturbate again” or to view porn because “their partner takes care of all their [sexual] needs”. REALLY??  If such people have it like that, then God bless ’em!  However, the REALITY is, even though many couples may indeed have “all their [sexual] needs taken care of” by their spouse or partner, it remains highly likely that one, if not both partners will eventually masturbate at some point in the relationship, and that he or she may come to do so often, and perhaps even using some sort of pornographic tool or sexual aid or sex toy to help stimulate or enhance their self pleasuring sexual goals.

It bears repeating: regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, that if you were regularly masturbating before you started having frequent partner sex, it is very likely you will continue to masturbate – either alone or with your partner (or with some other person) while in a relationship. Of course, it is also very possible that the more frequent partner sex you have, the less often you’ll need or want to masturbate; however, studies have shown that masturbation occurs frequently in partnered relationships, too.

Let’s get one thing clear: Masturbation allows a person and teaches a person to be more in-tuned and comfortable with and appreciative of his or her own body and sexuality, and the pleasures body can give, on the PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, AND SPIRITUAL levels!  The POSITIVE result of such being (if masturbation is done within reason), is the development of a better, sexual person.  One negative, yet RARE result of masturbation is when a person loses all proper perspective on life and reality as a result of having or developing an OBSESSION with doing such an activity, and when that obsession with self-pleasuring/sexual gratification is allowed to control and dictate that person’s life over all else, and begins affecting certain livelihood responsibilities and needs. In this case, such an obsession would be considered an addiction and that person would need and should seek professional help.

And now a word about…PORNOGRAPHY.

Pornography has its bad points; that’s true. But much of pornography can also be quite…good… so, let’s talk about the good, since what can be considered “bad” about pornography is debatable.  First, no one should be judgmental on the TYPE of pornographic material another person has or chooses to use or view (except of course, that involving minor children or animals!) which a person has determined to be “helpful” towards achieving certain levels of personal pleasure and comfort. Second, I think it would be enhancing, if not necessarily helpful to any relationship, (not to mention, very hot, sexually speaking), if both people in a healthy relationship, who are enjoying healthy, pleasurable intercourse sex, also masturbated TOGETHER from time to time and, on occasion, also watched and enjoyed pornography together! Now, we all know that there are many couples who have partners who are “so not into porn”. That’s kool. But what is the OTHER partner who has always enjoyed porn to do? Just stop watching it? That’s not fair. And what if that one partner, who DEMANDS that there be no porn, goes a step further to demand that there be no masturbation “in the course of the relationship” either? It seems obvious to me that if the “need” for self pleasuring is strong enough, that porn-loving, sexually self-pleasing partner will sneak off to do what he or she desires to do anyway. If he/she is “caught”, a whole different set of issues (like “trust and honesty”) will come into play! I suggest that people, early on in their relationship, tell their partners what they like to do sexually.  A partner may not like or approve what the other partner enjoys sexually but they should respect that part of the person.  I also think a person should consider inviting their partner to join in on a few of  masturbatory sessions and not be afraid to tell his/her partner that, when the mood arises, he/she will probably be  “checking out some skin”, and yes, may even jack (or jill) off to it, too. (“jill off” is one of many references to female masturbation.)

At this point, few of you might want to know whether or not I masturbate. You might also want to know if I like or love pornography, and you want to know if I love sex. The answer to all three of your questions is YES, OF COURSE; and I say that without hesitation, shame or embarrassment. And, I don’t mean to brag but in my entire sexually active life, I’ve never had any complaints regarding MY sexual performances from any of my sexual partners. I’d like to think that I owe a great deal of credit to the things I learned about my body and sexuality, particularly MALE sexuality (since I happened to be male) through years of masturbation, coupled with self and formal education, and  from sexual relationships with others. Of course, some credit goes to my reading and using pornography! Lots of great ideas were – and are found within that media!

Finally, the main and perhaps single purpose of pornography is to inspire sexual interest in people. This is a no-brainer!  Pornography can be fun and can only enhance, heighten and stimulate sexual desire and awareness and a sensuous atmosphere. Now, if the other partner doesn’t like porn, or doesn’t like it when you masturbate, then you and partner need to talk about it!  At some point, somebody is going to have to deal with the other partner’s sexual likes, quirks and even fetishes. Somebody in the relationship will have to respect that part about their partner as they take into careful consideration ALL the other, more important things that IS liked and loved in the relationship. (Or, they can simply end the relationship, pack their bags and move on).

Everyone has SOMETHING that is NOT liked or not easily accepted or tolerated by other people, especially a loving partner. It’s simply human nature. The fact is, we CAN choose to accept, tolerate, or reject things those things. I believe that if you TRULY LOVE your partner, then it should be easy to respect that partner as having been a single sexual person long before they met you. Therefore, within reason (and so long as it is not addictive to the degree mentioned earlier), anyone giving him or herself some “personal time” on the self-love/solo sex level is NOT cheating on their partner. Such very natural a sexual activity as masturbation will hardly ever negatively impact a relationship UNLESS of course, an objecting partner is so insecure in that relationship that he/she decides to make it (and/or pornography) an issue.
Keepin’ it….REAL!