KIR: Writing and Depression

Note: This article was written July 31, 2014. It partly explains my then month-long absence from writing to this blog. It’s now been three months and some days since. In addition to what you read here, I want readers to know that I simply got interested and busy with doing other things – including directing some much-needed attention towards developing my seven-month old not-safe-for-work (NSFW) Tumblr blog featuring male erotica. This article is the first posted on Keepin’ It Real since June 26th, 2014.  With its publishing I suppose it’s safe to assume that…I’m back.
Now on to what I was feeling three months ago.

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I looked at my blog drafts folder a few minutes ago. I found that there were more than 200 drafts of unfinished documents I created this year alone; all work where I’d start writing about certain things but for some reason at the last-minute, simply lost interest in finishing – or if an article was finished, I decided not to publish on my blogs.While I have told myself that I’m writing mainly for my benefit, a huge part of that simply is not true. I do indeed write blog articles, Facebook and Twitter post to inform and educate others who may not know RobFather-Xcertain things and/or to bring awareness to or about certain things. Still, it does not hide the feeling I so often get that few to almost no one really cares to read whatever it was or is I have to say; to say nothing of the fact that a number of those unfinished and unpublished documents were what some would call (and often complained) as being “too long” or “too lengthy” to read. My two-part blog article, “The Freedom of Nudity” for example, took months for me to decide to publish after I’d written and edited it. Today, according to my blog service, that article – written in mid-year 2012 but published in March 2013, is one of many of my blog articles that continues to receive a lot of hits at this blog.

Sometimes I’m encouraged to write and publish to the world. Other times I’d write a nice piece about something then just say to myself, “Fuck it”. Who the fuck is gonna read all of this – let alone bother to appreciate it?” It’s often that attitude for why I don’t blog as often as a blogger “should” or is “expected” to blog. It’s also why sometimes I post “lengthy” things on my Facebook page, although I fully realize that many people on Facebook do not like reading anything which has more than three to four sentences. I call those people “lazy and discriminatory readers”. For example, on Facebook I’ve found that if certain things related to something sexual does not stand out or if I don’t post a picture to help attract the attention of a particular audience then some people will see my article or post but won’t bother to read it, read all of it or at the very least, give it a “like”. A “like” can say or mean that they at least agree right make the post, if not with my courage and willingness to express whatever is on my mind, even if they disagree with point of view. Whether I have a Facebook or blog published article, often the evidence of people not reading my work is determined by the type of follow-up questions someone asks or comments they give about topic I wrote about. Sofa-thinking-2 (rz)One can always tell if a person was paying attention to what they were reading or listening to by the response they give to certain things. As such, I can’t be easily fooled when someone tells me they’ve read my work then that same person asks me some silly question about that which was clearly discussed in the article. I also don’t appreciate when someone makes some disparaging remark about the subject matter of my article, as if perhaps expecting me to either recant my opinions or change my point of view to suit their own. Those things irritate me and it’s why I’m happy to have full control over whether to allow comments to be published on anything I write on my blogs.Much of what I write ends up becoming an exercise in writing. I’m often afraid that expressing myself in written form can be a waste of time and effort. Writing is therapeutic for my depression issues and helps offset those bad feelings when I sense a depression bout might be coming. To everyone who has read this far, thanks for reading. I’m good…at least for now. I’ll review what I have saved in that folder. I’ve got a shitload of started and unfinished/unpublished work in a folder from years 2013 and 2012 too but I’ll look at those later.

Depression Mood –
Right now [July 31] I am in one of my depression moods. Succinctly put, depression is a non-discriminatory mental illness disability. It comes in many forms and affects a number of people in various ways for various reasons. People should never assume that someone is imagining things when they say they are depressed. That person just might be! You also should never tell someone who admits to being depressed or whom you know is a sufferer of depression and going through a bout, that “things will get better” or “it” will get better”. BM Thinking-1No matter how good your intentions, you would sound ignorant and appear to be less helpful and insensitive to that person’s situation. For some depression sufferers, a little alone time and/or quiet is very helpful; I know that sort of thing often works for me. Patience, understanding and offers of support to do certain things are also helpful to some depression sufferers, as are conversations sprinkled with humor that bring about laughter or some memory of a pleasant and fun moment. Remember: these are just a few suggestions that can help someone suffering from some form of depression; they are not mentioned here as workable guarantees for every person in every situation.

I happen to be one of the so-called “fortunate” persons who suffers from a certain form of  depression. As healthy and strong as I so often appear and sound, I too have weaknesses. More Black men need to talk about their mental, emotional and physical weaknesses because odd as it may seem, talking about such weakness is or can also be therapeutic; it can help make that man a mentally and emotionally stronger person. I wish women understood that. Fuck…I wish more men understood it! I have suffered with intermittent depression issues since childhood. Fuck it...not feeling it day (2)For years after first being diagnosed – up until about six years ago, I lied about it and had kept it well-hidden from nearly everyone who wasn’t my doctor: family members, my spouse at the time – before, during and after our marriage, my son and a number of others whom I considered to have a genuine care for me.Today’s [July 31] bout will pass away from me soon, because you see, there are certain things I’ve since learn to do to combat my form of depression. It keeps me from always taking medication. In fact, over the last 12 or so months, I’ve intentionally avoided taking meds for depression because sometimes, strange as it sounds to you non-depression sufferers, I want to ride this out. I don’t want to become dependent on medication. It’s hard to explain and it would take much longer than this article to break it down for you. Just trust me; I got a handle on this monster; I know what I need to do to help myself. Writing is one of the therapeutic things I do…and stated earlier, I do a lot of that! Talking to myself is another. Listening to music and doing certain humorous things that make me or others laugh has also been highly effective. I’ve told people that I’m not always a serious fuck; I maintain a healthy balance of humor and seriousness. Too bad many don’t believe me for if they did I think I’d be emotionally closer to relatives, have a lot more friends – and perhaps a few more lovers, too.

Thanks for listening.

Keepin’ It…REAL!

When Someone Reaches Out (from the “Hardline” series)

PREFACE: Normally, I do not share excerpts from my Hardline series in a general blog post. I’d much prefer readers of this blog find my Hardline series pages under the Imprimus page [here] and, if interested, read the profound comments/statements/quips which I and others have said. However, in recent weeks I’ve been seeing certain comments on social forums like Facebook, reading postings on other blogs and in news reports of things which say to me that there are people reaching out for help; psychological and emotional help. This deeply concerns me, thus I was inspired to write this Hardline and share it here. Somebody out there needs this! Please heed the words and share this link. You could change or perhaps even save a life!
S/N: Click here to read other writings of The Hardline According to RobFather-X series.
When Someone Reaches Out –
Reality is a strange bedfellow; it does not ever leave or escape us. At the start of any new year, many people have certain hopes, expectations, concerns and even fears about things they want to see happen or change in their lives. The complex challenges or problems of life we had on the last day of the previous year did not instantly disappear at the start of the new year. Oh, if that were so!

Depressed man sitting-1Alcohol, drugs, sex, partying and other forms of revelry only helps us to forget such problems for a short time. We still carry the weight of our problems into the new year; some of it much too heavy to continue trying to carry alone. We find that we might need help and naturally want to reach out to share our burdens and concerns with someone else. Mind you however, the help offered by others is not always enough to give through mere text message exchanges, phone calls or the giving of kind, albeit meaningful comments of support on social forums like Facebook. One cannot feel the full spirit or essence of pain or anguish of another person through such means, no matter how many words are written or spoken.

Humans, by nature, are empathic creatures. Each of us has an innate need to have the physical presence of another person occupying the same room or area to feel comforted, liked, loved and/or and reassured as to who we are and what we are feeling. Depressed woman-2We’d much rather look into the eyes of another person whenever we feel the need to bare our soul – sharing our most intimate thoughts, feelings, and desires. We feel the need to read the body language of another person to see if what we are saying is being received with genuine concern and with the utmost sincerity of what human friendship and/or companionship is about. Often seeing a smile, feeling a touch or having a warm, firm physical embrace is all that is needed to help make us feel that our very existence is indeed worthwhile. It helps to know that someone else can understand, care and gives a damn about us and/or our given situation. Failing some of that, it is still helpful if the person to whom we are talking can relate to our particular circumstances in some way. It says to us, “You aren’t the only one; you aren’t alone.” It says to us that someone cares about what we Depressed man sitting-3may be thinking of ourselves and, in some instances, may help us do away with any ideas of pursuing some potentially dangerous course of action to alleviate the pain being felt.

Think about this when someone you know – be it friend or distant family member, has had or is having struggles with life and they ask you to come visit them – or if they ask if they can come visit you. Your response (or lack thereof) could make all the difference, not just in the life of that person but perhaps in yours, too!

(Retrieved from The Hardline According to RobFather-X (series) 2013 written/posted by GER-201301:08)

Keepin’ It...REAL!

Fuck the Holidays!

I stopped caring about holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Year’s Eve years ago. I won’t go into detail right now except to say that I have lost any reason to observe such “tidings of joy” for the time being. Sure, my wonderful teenage son will visit me, I will make the obligatory calls to mom and even play some holiday music on my little radio show (which I’ve been holding off from doing this year since such is played on the station where I work during the other six days of the week).  In a way, it’s all pretend on my part and flies in the face of the keeping it real edict I’ve set for myself. But hey; I’ve learned that sometimes there are things in life where a little flexibility is necessary for the greater good. If you are a parent or still have living parents, you’ll understand where I’m coming from with regard to being flexible. In my heart, I feel that if I could stop Time and jump over every day after October 31st on to January 2nd of the coming year, I would do that!

Why I feel very strongly this way isn’t so much about the commercialism of the holidays or the shopping and buying of gifts and shit for other people. It’s not even the hellish street traffic I have to fight for the last two months of the year. It’s me. I’m lonely. And no; being with my family and/or friends (of which I have few) will NOT help me! I’m depressed. Yet, there are people who tell me that I don’t have to be depressed. Yeah. Right. Many don’t know it but I have suffered with intermittent bouts of depression for decades!  Now, I know some of those people mean well but what the fuck do they know about me or my mental condition and/or emotions to say to  me that I “don’t have to be depressed”? If that’s the best they have to offer then they need to fuck off and just leave me alone! And please; no one had better come at me with that tired old “you need Jesus” or “Jesus can help you” et al rhetoric. Save it! I get enough of it from my brother. Everything in my life is not about “needing” Jesus!

Frankly, I had been wishing the holidays would never come!  I know; that’s a foolish thing to say since the holidays always do come and since they are here. Still, it sounds good when I say it out loud and it looks good reading the words on this screen. I’ve no one to love in the way a man needs and wants someone to love. I’m not talking about the love a man has for his children, his siblings, his parents or his pet. I’m talking about a man having someone special to himself ; someone to emotionally love and to be loved by; someone he can share things with, like holiday cheer and special occasions in his life. I had that once but that person chose to betray me and go away.  I doubt I was ever really understood anyway so it’s just as well that the relationship ended after nearly twenty years. And though I’ve worked hard to get over that loss, to move on with my life and to try to find happiness again, the fact of the matter is, my heart has been stone cold and untrusting of others ever since.  Sure… I can tell and laugh at a joke, carry somewhat of a positive attitude about my future and maintain my wonderfully sick sense of humor but  the truth is, deep down, I’m very unhappy. I’ve yet to meet anyone who can soften my heart, revitalize my inner-self and make me feel whole and real again.

So there it is. The first of a few personal revelations yet to come in this blog. It was long overdue and I thought it was time that I just put it out there. I don’t expect anyone to give a flying fuck. This is my problem. I’ll be fine. Really. One of the reasons I have this blog is so that I can have a place where I can write out my thoughts instead of simply talking to the four walls of my apartment (as I so often do).  Writing in this blog is therapeutic for me – perhaps more that I could explain. Besides, the words in my head scream to come out and the truth that is my life demand to come to light.  I can’t help it.  And at my age, I’m no longer concerned with becoming naked to the world [thanks Teena Marie] of people I know or don’t know. If that was a  real concern this blog would not exist. In coming personal revelations, I will let whatever chips there are from the things I say fall wherever they will. Fuck it.

Perhaps someday, if or when I find love again, I will have reason to celebrate holidays and all that nice “tis-the-season-to-be-jolly” picturesque jazz. Until such time, every day of my unhappy life – including my birthday too, I suppose – is simply going to be a regular day and shall be treated as much. It’s how I’ve been feeling and handling things for the last few years or more. And again, until the time I meet that special someone, I intend to steer clear, as much as possible, of the hype and bullshit – AND the shady phoniness that some people tend to wear – associated with the holiday season. Don’t worry about me. It all is what it fuckin’ is.

Fuck the holidays.

Keepin’ It...REAL!