I stopped caring about holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Year’s Eve years ago. I won’t go into detail right now except to say that I have lost any reason to observe such “tidings of joy” for the time being. Sure, my wonderful teenage son will visit me, I will make the obligatory calls to mom and even play some holiday music on my little radio show (which I’ve been holding off from doing this year since such is played on the station where I work during the other six days of the week). In a way, it’s all pretend on my part and flies in the face of the “keeping it real“ edict I’ve set for myself. But hey; I’ve learned that sometimes there are things in life where a little flexibility is necessary for the greater good. If you are a parent or still have living parents, you’ll understand where I’m coming from with regard to being flexible. In my heart, I feel that if I could stop Time and jump over every day after October 31st on to January 2nd of the coming year, I would do that!
Why I feel very strongly this way isn’t so much about the commercialism of the holidays or the shopping and buying of gifts and shit for other people. It’s not even the hellish street traffic I have to fight for the last two months of the year. It’s me. I’m lonely. And no; being with my family and/or friends (of which I have few) will NOT help me! I’m depressed. Yet, there are people who tell me that I don’t have to be depressed. Yeah. Right. Many don’t know it but I have suffered with intermittent bouts of depression for decades! Now, I know some of those people mean well but what the fuck do they know about me or my mental condition and/or emotions to say to me that I “don’t have to be depressed”? If that’s the best they have to offer then they need to fuck off and just leave me alone! And please; no one had better come at me with that tired old “you need Jesus” or “Jesus can help you” et al rhetoric. Save it! I get enough of it from my brother. Everything in my life is not about “needing” Jesus!
Frankly, I had been wishing the holidays would never come! I know; that’s a foolish thing to say since the holidays always do come and since they are here. Still, it sounds good when I say it out loud and it looks good reading the words on this screen. I’ve no one to love in the way a man needs and wants someone to love. I’m not talking about the love a man has for his children, his siblings, his parents or his pet. I’m talking about a man having someone special to himself ; someone to emotionally love and to be loved by; someone he can share things with, like holiday cheer and special occasions in his life. I had that once but that person chose to betray me and go away. I doubt I was ever really understood anyway so it’s just as well that the relationship ended after nearly twenty years. And though I’ve worked hard to get over that loss, to move on with my life and to try to find happiness again, the fact of the matter is, my heart has been stone cold and untrusting of others ever since. Sure… I can tell and laugh at a joke, carry somewhat of a positive attitude about my future and maintain my wonderfully sick sense of humor but the truth is, deep down, I’m very unhappy. I’ve yet to meet anyone who can soften my heart, revitalize my inner-self and make me feel whole and real again.
So there it is. The first of a few personal revelations yet to come in this blog. It was long overdue and I thought it was time that I just put it out there. I don’t expect anyone to give a flying fuck. This is my problem. I’ll be fine. Really. One of the reasons I have this blog is so that I can have a place where I can write out my thoughts instead of simply talking to the four walls of my apartment (as I so often do). Writing in this blog is therapeutic for me – perhaps more that I could explain. Besides, the words in my head scream to come out and the truth that is my life demand to come to light. I can’t help it. And at my age, I’m no longer concerned with becoming naked to the world [thanks Teena Marie] of people I know or don’t know. If that was a real concern this blog would not exist. In coming personal revelations, I will let whatever chips there are from the things I say fall wherever they will. Fuck it.
Perhaps someday, if or when I find love again, I will have reason to celebrate holidays and all that nice “tis-the-season-to-be-jolly” picturesque jazz. Until such time, every day of my unhappy life – including my birthday too, I suppose – is simply going to be a regular day and shall be treated as much. It’s how I’ve been feeling and handling things for the last few years or more. And again, until the time I meet that special someone, I intend to steer clear, as much as possible, of the hype and bullshit – AND the shady phoniness that some people tend to wear – associated with the holiday season. Don’t worry about me. It all is what it fuckin’ is.
Fuck the holidays.