When it comes to discussions of sexuality, I continue to be amazed at people who often take deeply personal a hypothetical or what-if scenario/situation. To some degree, I can understand why this tends to happen. I can also appreciate people saying what they would or would not do in a given sexual situation – although in reality, no one can ever say with any degree of certainty what it is they would do/not do until they are presented with a particular circumstance.
It’s fine for people to give their first or initial thoughts on hypotheticals but while the first thought is usually the most honest, it has certain limitations for often it is based solely on the current experiences, knowledge/education, personal morals and beliefs of that person. I like to challenge people with the “two people – of the same gender – stranded on an island” hypothetical scenario. Under this scenario, where I purposefully choose people of the same gender (just to make it interesting), I explain [or rather prove] how new experiences often can cause a person to change or modify their previous thinking and beliefs and the probable actions one might take in a given situation, proving that rarely are there any absolutes about anything when it comes to certain things, especially with sexuality.
There are people who always apply certain hypotheticals/what-ifs to themselves and/or their lives in such a personal manner that they either ignore or forget that the hypothetical question or situation presented to them is only meant to challenge their imagination and broaden their thinking; it’s not meant to do anything more. Sexual hypotheticals/what-if scenarios do not invade one’s personal life or privacy. Given responses or answers to questions asked are never meant to give anyone some firm indication or implication that a person will necessarily perform, might perform or even want to perform some activity mentioned in the hypothetical/what-if scenario. In effect, such answers would be (or rather should be) considered conjecture; simply an opinion based on incomplete information, not facts or actuality, since the person is responding to a what-if situation. It could be a long-term hidden fantasy or desire of the respondent but answering the questions given does not necessarily prove anything. This is especially important to note when such questions and answers are presented/given in the company of people with whom everyone is – for the most part, a stranger, such as in a college classroom or public forum environment. For obvious reasons, many people are comfortable in such settings; they feel they won’t be judged as harshly by strangers than they would by the people they know, which is why such environments are the best in which to exercise hypotheticals/what-if scenarios.
In discussions and debates regarding sexuality, I’ve been challenging people for years to open their minds and let their imagination run free regarding various things related to sex and sexuality. My intent is to get people to understand that human sexuality is fluid; meaning, it is capable of flowing in any mental or emotional direction depending on the individual. I do not believe it has strict absolutes. I believe sexuality is subject only to the imagination, desires and limitations of the human mind and emotional attraction. Sexuality has far too many variables, inconsistencies, mediums and extremes to be assigned some number or range on the renowned Kinsey Scale or some absolute sexual assignment labels such as “heterosexual/straight” “homosexual/gay” or “50/50 or bisexual for it to be considered as a strict absolute or some kind of black and white, hot or cold or soft or hard entity of physically intimate pleasure.
NOTE: Contrary to the “equally heterosexual/equally homosexual” rating/level noted on the Kinsey Scale, factually, most (if not all) bisexual people do not base their sexual attractions and emotions on a level that clear and cut. Although there is SOME CLOSENESS to an even or equal attraction to both genders, most bisexual people lean more towards being straight than gay while others lean more towards being more gay than straight. (See my article Does Bisexuality Exist?)
Because I understand human imagination, particularly when it comes to human sexuality, I try to diminish the prejudices, stereotypes and myths which many heterosexual or straight people tend to have in thinking or believing that certain sexual interests or activities are “exclusively done” by homosexual people. I seek to erase the notion that no straight person would ever engage in – or think of engaging in any sexual activity considered to be – or believed to be homosexual or gay in nature. The belief of some straight people seems to be this: no bona fide straight person wants to admit or will ever admit to doing or having done any particular sex act which they personally – or perhaps someone else, might consider to be “gay” since it might be some indicator to friends/family that the straight person doing the sex act or expressing a desire to do the sex act, could himself be a homosexual.
Examples of the interests or activities which many straight people naïvely think of as being “gay” or “done by gays only” – but which in fact, many straight people have also been known to do would include:
- complimenting or playful teasing another member of the same gender on the look/appearance of their nude body, breasts or genitals
- engaging in sports or playful activities in the nude with members of the same gender
- watching pornography with members of the same gender
- mutual masturbation or having a “circle jerk” with members of the same gender
- masturbating to the sound or visual images of a member of the same gender having homosexual or heterosexual sex
- anilingus – the enjoyment of, or having a desire to perform the act
- self-fellatio (sucking your own penis)
- tasting or ingesting one’s own seminal or vaginal fluids
- men who enjoy the stimulation of their anus during masturbation or when having sex with their female partner
- men who own and use dildos for anal stimulation during masturbation
- being a nudist/naturist or an exhibitionist (there is a difference between the two)
- visiting nude beaches and colonies or participating in exhibitionist events
- touching the nude body and/or genitals of someone of the same gender during a group sex activity (almost impossible NOT to do in that environment)
- platonically kissing a member of the same gender out of respect, love and brotherly affection (occurs often in other countries)
- sharing a random homosexual thought or fantasy but not acting on it
(Many straight people have homosexual thoughts on occasion but are never driven to act on them!)
- the heterosexual person engaging in a homosexual sexual activity:
NOTE: Usually experimental but sometimes intentional: can occur under a variety of circumstances. While the sexual activity is homosexual, engagement does not make or imply that the heterosexual person is bisexual or homosexual.
- the homosexual person engaging in a heterosexual sexual activity:
NOTE: Usually experimental but sometimes intentional; can occur under a variety of circumstances. While the sexual activity is heterosexual, engagement does not make or imply that the homosexual person is bisexual or heterosexual.
I believe and have argued for decades that sexual orientation is a natural gene assignment with which people are born. It is not something people choose as their natural sexual drive and attraction. A person cannot “pray away” or be psychologically driven from his/her natural sexual orientation any more than one’s skin color can be “prayed away”. It simply does not work. A person can suppress feelings and attractions for someone of the same gender (which is the same as denying one’s true nature) but the feelings do not go away. It is a part of who that person is. People are born to be one of the following sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or asexual while some are born feeling that they should be the opposite of their physical gender.
**Note about transgender people (of which one of my older brothers happens to be [male to female]: all transgender people are not gay.
Prudish heterosexual people, particularly many of those who happened to be narrow-minded or close-minded persons of color, need to accept the fact that as young boys and girls reach adolescence, they develop certain sexual curiosities. They do things like self-caressing, light touching and playing with their genitals as they explore sensuality and experiment with various forms of sexual self-stimulation, which often includes or supplements masturbation. Sometimes adolescents will do this with close and trusting friends who might have the same interests or who have had some sexual experience. I would find it almost laughable if it weren’t a damn shame that so many people to whom I’ve talked, acted as if they had never done anything of the sort when they were kids. Well, it is exactly because of the ignorance of people – feigned or otherwise, which prompted the writing of this article.
I’ve had many discussions or debates related to sexuality with so-called “grown folk”, some who claimed themselves to be “sexual freaks”. A “sexual freak” – or simply “freak”, is supposed to be that male or female who is ready and willing to engage in some nasty, unorthodox things sexually. Let me inform readers not to be put off by the term “freak” in this sense since it really means and implies nothing except perhaps to the person with whom the so-called “freak” is having sex with. It’s nothing but hype and bravado to illustrate someone’s hugely exaggerated sexual prowess.
I have experienced situations where a discussion of certain sexual topics degraded from being that of fun and interesting to sheer rudeness, irritation and implied judgments. For example, I’d present certain hypotheticals or what-if scenarios to the discussion floor. Depending on who is participating in said discussion and/or what the question or hypothetical challenge happens to be, there usually would always be that one person, sometimes two or more, who would forget themselves and become highly defensive or offended – as though I had touched some nerve in their psyche, had tried to convince them to try some sexual activity or suggest that they do something against their will – when I give follow-up questions to their comments or responses. It wouldn’t be long before those particular people began introducing their personal or social mores and religious rhetoric into the hypothetical/what-if scenario itself, forgetting or ignoring the basic understanding of what a hypothetical situation or what-if scenario is developed to be! When hypothetical/what-if scenarios are presented, they cannot be changed or modified (except by the originator) otherwise, the entire hypothetical/what-if scenario is pointless.
When presenting a hypothetical situation or what-if scenario, I listen carefully to what people say in response and how they say it. I’m listening for unsure hesitations, exaggerations, contradictions and certain other signs that might make the person look or appear vulnerable which might serve as an opening for me to ask certain follow-up questions. In my experience, I have met people of various sexual orientations who are very comfortable with their sexuality and with sharing sexual experiences. Some are flexible in their thinking and have little to no problem with follow-up questions or participating in hypothetical/what-if scenarios, while others tend to be more adamant or stubborn. In my view, many people who are open-minded and have several years of sexual experience seem far less judgmental of those who admit to having experimented with certain things sexual or expressing a desire to do things related to sexuality. Many open-minded people tend to be more educated (although degree levels are not necessarily proof of one’s education about certain things), have traveled to various parts of the country and the world, have more experience by a measure of years in life and tend to have a “to each his own”, non-judgmental mentality. I tend to favor and give serious validation to such people for I am one of them.
Certain hypotheticals or what-if scenarios can often mirror a person’s own experiences or sometimes, a person can relate to the hypothetical, being that they too, have had a similar real-life exposure or experience or perhaps a fantasy of the details of that particular hypothetical situation/what if scenario. Some people have admitted that drugs or alcohol played a vital role in lowering or helping to lower their sexual and/or moral inhibitions. For some, those influences never caused one to get to the point of making that user completely unaware of what was actually happening to or around them. I’ve spoken with people who have enjoyed sharing stories of their sexual experience. Some of those people are or were either married, single, in long-term relationships, swingers, polyamorous, a fuck buddy, a “friend with benefits” (FWB), straight, gay, bisexual or pan sexual; they were either White, Black, Hispanic, Latino or of Asian decent and had come from a variety of professions and occupations. Some have educational levels ranging from high school to doctorates, while others were members of either the high, middle and low economic class. I mention this only to show that when it comes to sexuality, the diversity pool of open-minded people is real and it is awesome!
As we develop and participate in hypothetical situations and what-if scenarios, let’s remember that ideally people in society should not – or rather are not supposed to judge others for their sexual ideas, thoughts, desires and fantasies. Although we make tolerances to the closed-mindedness of certain religions and their rhetoric on sex-related “sinful thinking”, we do not [as of yet] live in an Orwellian society – nor should such an environment ever be created or implied where one cannot feel free to express or share his or her thoughts and fantasies in a respectful manner in the company of peers and like-minded individuals.
Check it: An awesome phrase I often live by (as it reflects my line of thinking) was written and spoken by the awesome funk recording artist Prince – some twenty-four years ago, in his song Electric Chair featured on the 1989 Batman original motion picture soundtrack (OMPS). Prince writes:
If a man is considered guilty
4 what goes on in his mind
Then give me the electric chair
4 all my future crimes
Prince’s idea is that people have thoughts and fantasies of all kinds of things! They should not be judged for thinking or mentally creating them! In my interpretation of the song, Prince implies that he cannot be the only one with the things he’s been thinking about. Even if he were, he ought not to be judged for having his thoughts, for he will continue to have them… and many more! Prince implies that his thoughts may be of things with which other people might not necessarily agree or even enjoy. In effect, he is saying: “You might as well kill me now, for as I continue to live, so shall I continue to think; to use my imagination, no matter where it will take me.”
In the song Electric Chair, Prince never once implied that he would actually make his thoughts a reality – although any thought can become a reality! Prince demonstrates his free-thinker attitude when he goes on to say:
U whispered something
It took my mind out like a
G flat major with an E in the bass
Your face looked so good
I wanted to touch your mouth
My brain is jackin’ all over the place
Again, Prince sees an object of sexual desire but – rather than take any physical action, or acting on the desire, he explains what he wants to do and how his mind is affected and is going crazy over the idea or the fantasy of actually performing the desires of his heart and mind!
As the song nears the end, Prince repeats a few lines from the first stanza of the song:
I saw your friend 1st
That’s who I danced with
All the time I was watchin’ u (I was watchin’ u)
The music rocked us
Our lives shocked us
Makin’ us see a trippy picture shoo
Here again, (in my interpretation) Prince is expressing his fantasy – brought on by what he sees. In this stanza – which is a repeat of the first in the song Electric Chair, Prince implies that his fantasy is apparently in sync with that of the person to whom he is looking; Prince assumes that the person looking back at him has the same fantasy! This is an example of mental FANTASY at work! This is an example of a simple hypothetical situation or a what-if scenario at play in the human mind! It MEANS NOTHING and IMPLIES NOTHING in terms of any actual physical action/interaction…that is until such time – if ever, the fantasy becomes a REALITY.
Now, I’ve used one song to explain what people ought to be doing in terms of using their imagination in sharing a sexual fantasy and in understanding a sexual hypothetical/what-if scenario. When presented with a sexual hypothetical or what-if scenario which you feel is offensive, or when asked if you’ve ever had a fantasy about “X”, or in doing “X”, stop to think before getting defensive and reacting negatively with your mouth. If you have never fantasized about doing “X” then simply say nothing… or respond with, “No, it never crossed my mind…” and LEAVE IT THERE! To say anything else or to give some reason(s) for why someone else would or should not ever do “X”, or to raise some personal and/or religious reasons for why someone else should not think about doing “X”, is to place yourself above others as being a self-righteous, self-appointed judge or critic of the persons who have chosen to participate in the hypothetical/what-if scenario and who simply wish to share their personal and/or known experiences or desires. As far as I’m concerned, judging people for wanting to express themselves in this manner is WRONG! When it comes to a sexual hypothetical situation/what-if scenario, that’s about as real as it gets!
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