*Another presentation in the KIR continuing series of articles of the Steppin’ On The Feet Jesus Washed (SOTFJW) Project-Mission!
You’re so vain, you probably think this article is about you
You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this article is about you
– Adapted from the 1972 hit song, You’re So Vain by Carly Simon
Easter Sunday hypocrites, I’m calling you out on your shit….even though by the time this article is published or read, Easter Sunday would have passed, the words here will still apply. If you feel guilty, then GOOD!
Now stop the bullshit act and listen up to what I say!
- Many of you ROSE UP this morning from a good night’s sleep. Others may have been in some drunken comatose-like mindset but still you ROSE AGAIN after having had maybe three HOURS – not three DAYS of sleep.
- Many of you could not wait to put on the NEW “you”…that is, the brand new outfits you bought specifically for Easter Sunday. For some, this will be the first of perhaps three Sundays in the entire year when you will get your asses in some church building and bear through the church services. The other two Sundays when you might feel obligated to go to church is on Mother’s Day (only because you want to show Mom that the child she raised still believes in going to church) and on Christmas Eve.
- Many of you will parade (or have already paraded) yourselves and/or your children for others to see the new EASTER CLOTHES you bought specifically for Easter! I’m talking new dresses, suits, hats, ties, shoes, purses, and overcoats! Easter Sunday is more of a fashion show– particularly in the Black church than any other Sunday of the year. I know this because I have seen it happen since the day I started going to church as a child, to the last Easter I set foot in one as an adult. It’s always the same in every church, except I know it to be more prominent in certain Black churches. Easter Sunday is when you all get to show off (and you do SHOW OFF) the “NEW YOU”… at least on the outside…and you want other people – rich and poor, to see how well you can dress yourself in threads and plastic and how well you do the same for your kids (if any). It’s sad how many of you so-called parents like to use your kids to make yourselves look good and would display the innocent ones as though they were objects to be admired and adorned! Of course later on, you will get upset when 7-year-old Johnny crawls on the floor in his new “Easter suit” or when 9-year-old Cheryl rips a hole in her white stocking leotard. And you’ll be ready to disown poor 10-year-old Janet for spilling cherry-red punch (she got from some idiot in the church kitchen) all over that $75.00 yellow dress you bought her just for Easter! Damn kids! They don’t appreciate shit!
- Many of you will judge other people and the attire they wear/wore to church. You will say, “Oh, he (or she) should have put on something more decent for Easter!” Others will think or gossip about how Mike or Helen “wore THAT same outfit last month, if not LAST Easter. What a shame!”
- Some of you will be given Holy Communion in honor of Jesus’ rise from the dead and all that blah-blah-blah. Yet the meaning of that communion will in fact be lost, if not displaced, as you hope that the smelly old Mr. Jones (whom you’re sure never uses deodorant and wears the same old suit every week) never sits next to you or in “your” pew. Here again, ye are HYPOCRITES for ye judge others whose story you do not know!
- You will compare, or you have already compared, your kids’ nice new Easter outfits to the “pathetic jeans and sneakers attire” worn by some of those “other”, less fortunate and rowdy kids. You will judge not only those other kids but also their parents –especially that “slutful” Olivia! Now there’s an interesting person.
Let’s look at Olivia, shall we?
Poor Olivia, lost and turned out (as the 35-year-old popular song from The Whispers goes). Her Marine staff sergeant husband was killed in Afghanistan recently and she and her three kids have been struggling so hard. But you wouldn’t know anything about that. Olivia has been fighting with the Department of Veterans Affairs for months, trying to get the full death benefits she and her kids desperately need and deserve. Her youngest 4-year-old boy Timmy, suffers with a rare case of Lupus. Because of the VA red tape, doctors bills continue to pile up and go unpaid. Before Olivia lost her husband, she had worked as a well-paid paralegal. It was a great day job she loved and had worked in the five years her and her husband were married. His Marine Corps E-6 income, joined with her own helped keep the family in a reasonably comfortable lifestyle for those five wonderful years. At that time, the loving young couple could afford moderate day care for their kids and supplemental medical care for Timmy in addition to that care already being provided by the Department of the Navy and the VA. When her husband died, some freakish screw-up happened in “the system” that ended up with the VA halting payment of all death benefits until the matter could be cleared. That was almost TEN months ago! And thanks to the mess at the VA, Olivia has had to quit her paralegal job in order to care for her kids as she could no longer afford daycare. When she was offered the only job as a night-shift emergency room dispatcher, Olivia asked her junior year college student younger sister Caroline to move in to help care and watch her kids while she (Olivia) worked the much lower-paying NIGHT shift job, which was located some 35 to 40 miles (one way) from her home. Again, you would have no way of knowing this, as many of you judgmental fucks just assumed she was whoring around each night. All you knew was that she always left the apartment around 9 o’clock on most nights and assumed that she was leaving those poor little children alone to fend for themselves. One of you even placed an anonymous call to Child Protection Services! You just knew the woman was a slut; coming home around 7:30 each morning as you were about to take your own kids to daycare and school. How dare Olivia show up looking all ragged and shit; her clothes and make-up all fucked up! Yeah; that bitch was with a man… or perhaps several men! The slut! The thought never occurred to you or some of those other nosy Wisteria Lane neighbors that perhaps, just perhaps, Olivia was returning from a long night at work. You were sure she was whoring around when you kept noticing how she was always letting at least two or three different men in her home during odd hours of the day…and while her kids were in school, no less! She had been doing this more times in the month than was considered “normal and proper” for a lady! How were you supposed to know that these men were actually VA representatives, her attorney, and her very-married brother-in-law Scott, himself serving in the Marine Corps as a Lt. Colonel – each visiting to help Olivia through the VA death benefits red tape situation? You were so certain that she was fucking those men! What judgmental fucks YOU are. You may know Olivia but you sure as hell don’t know her story!
Let’s stop right here because I’m sure you get the point. The meaning of Jesus’ “rising from the dead” means very little, now that church – and the Easter Sunday fashion show – is over. Oh… and we know how your day ended. You could not wait for you and the kids to get over to Bob and Alice’s house after church, where your kids and theirs would see Bob (now dressed in a rabbit’s suit), would sit the kids on his lap (while sportin’ and semi-hard boner) and tell the ALTERNATE Easter story about Peter Rabbit and some colored eggs. You have always thought the bunny story was more credible anyway… just like that old Saint Nicholas story told every Christmas! After the story, the annual Easter egg hunt (which was always held in that huge backyard Bob and Alice always kept impeccably manicured), would begin. During that time, the four of you adults would gossip about who-wore-what in church today, and who in the neighborhood didn’t mow their lawn and/or wash their car for this very special “holy” day, which for the four of you, was second only to Christmas itself. And of course, you must talk about what you all just heard about that awful, sinful and slutty Olivia! The latest gossip going around now? The slut has just taken in some strange FEMALE visitor. Now what’s that all about?
What a wonderful Easter Sunday this day has turned out to be.
Happy fuckin’ Easter, hypocrites!