*Another presentation in the KIR continuing series of articles of the Steppin’ On The Feet Jesus Washed (SOTFJW) Project-Mission!
One good, Friday afternoon, when God had nothing better to do, He came down to Earth to visit one of His many “houses”. God was on a mission. Something He had been meaning to do for centuries needed to be taken care of. This particular job had been on His holy “things to do” list for that long. He couldn’t just send someone down to take care of it. That had been tried before and it sorta failed. No… this was something God had to do Himself. Believe it or not, God had procrastinated long enough in taking care of this particular issue! On this one project, God was determined to at least get started. (Wait: “God procrastinated” you ask? Why yes, of course He did! God can fuck off too if He wants. He’s God! Stop interrupting!)
Upon entering the main sanctuary of His house, God walked right up to the pulpit where He knew there would be an open bible. It was a rather large bible. It had large pages, large print font, gold trimmed pages, and even silk page markers. God thought, “Hmmm, nice. Always liked the way My children like to pretty things up. Do they really think it pleases Me or are they really trying to impress themselves? Wait. I already know the answer to that question. Silly me!” God sighed and the entire house shook for a few seconds. God looked at the hard front cover of the big book. The words Holy Bible was imprinted in gold. Looking further down on the lower left of the hard cover were the words, “Property of Church of the Red Sea.” God thought, “My children are so possessive. I suppose that’s my fault.” God sigh again and the building once again shook. This time, a large crystal glass light fixture fell to the floor between two oak pews, creating a deafening crash! Such a noise would have startled a human ear and scared the beJesus (pun intended) out of someone else. Not God. God was in the house that day and the crash did not faze Him one bit. Sure; He could have stopped that light fixture from falling but remember, God was on a mission and He was keenly focused. Besides, the bolts supporting that large crystal glass light fixture had been loose for some time. When the ceiling was painted last month, a painter noticed it and had informed both the pastor and church maintenance crew that the light fixture needed to be fixed immediately to its foundation before it fell on someone. Naturally, the pastor forgot all about the light fixture and maintenance kept putting off repairs to it for higher priorities. God already knew this. In fact, when the light fixture fell, He thought, “Well, My being here at this exact moment, when this building is empty is… how do My children like to say… “right on time”. Yea, I’m always “right on time”. What a silly statement and an equally silly song! Man has no clue as to what “on time” REALLY is. No wonder he invented calendars and clocks! Anyway, no one is here to get hurt and so this lousy church leadership won’t be sued by some zealous follower of Mine. Yea, of course I AM always on time.” As God praised Himself, the chorus sound of angels singing “Hallelujah” could be heard from the heavens. “Well, time to get to work. I’ve got other things to do and other places to be,” thought God.
With thought of the broken crystal glass light fixture behind Him, God’s right index finger turned bright red. Patiently, God began reading each and every word and passage in the large bible on the pulpit making proofreader markings and comments as He read. The white pages with the nice large font and gold trimmed edges began to turn red as God wrote the following Words throughout the church bible:
• “Nope. That’s not what happened!”
• “That’s NOT what I said!”
• “Some of this is REALLY wrong!”
• “They certainly got THAT part all wrong!”
• “Where is the part where I said EVERYBODY, regardless of the shade of skin I gave them, was to be treated the same and are considered equal under ME? I chose the colors of my creations!”
• “Lots of stuff in these two particular books of the Bible seemed to have been twisted or omitted!”
• “What the fuck is THIS? I didn’t say or do THAT!”
Yes, dear reader: you read that right; God cussed and said “What the fuck is this” . Blasphemous? Nah…How can God blaspheme Himself? Hey, God was angry! God being angry is nothing new. We read that He gets angry – a lot…for the Bible tells us so! And just because YOU won’t read about Him cussing in any Bible doesn’t necessarily mean HE didn’t ever do it or doesn’t ever do it! God is holy, yes; but again, he does get angry! Some would argue that God does not approve of – nor use “unclean speech”. If you believe that, then you have just come to understand why God came down on this particularly wonderful and good Friday evening to edit the Bible. God knows that there is no listing in His Word depicting exactly what words or phrases are to be considered unclean, vulgar or profane. The part about “unclean speech” is something Man added in the Bible and claimed God will disapprove. Man called it a “sin” and said that God said that it was sin. Oh well, I’m sure God visited Hell before; I hear Jesus was down there for THREE freaking days! Since I’m sure both cussed at SEVERAL points in their immortality and both came back from Hell all right, I should be good to go, huh? ANYWAY…with that said, I challenge anyone to give a biblical reference showing exactly the list of words or phrases considered to be vulgar or profane. C’mon! There must THOUSANDS of such words in every language – including the languages that have long since died since before or shortly after Jesus’ time on Earth. Can’t find the book or verse? Ok, shut the fuck up and let’s get back to the story!
So once again for clarity, we know God gets angry. How do we know this? “Because the Bible tells us so.” And what often happens when we mere mortals get angry? Why, many of us tend to say things that aren’t very pleasant, too! Now, where do you suppose THAT part of us comes from? Answer: It comes from our creator, God! Like Father, like child, as they say! Duh! Warning: God will cuss again before this story is done. Keep reading!
God continued editing the large church bible with his red index finger, writing:
• “Much of the Book of Leviticus you have taken out of context! No wonder My children are misguided! Many of you and your fathers before you and their father’s fathers have either killed and/or caused the deaths of an awful lot of good people with this one book. Did you not remember those were My children???” God had written the words in large letters in the top left and right margins of the first two pages of Leviticus.
Now God had considered damning the Book of Leviticus but in His infinite wisdom, realized that damning any book in the Bible at this point of Man’s history, even the controversial Book of Leviticus, would create more chaos than the entire Bible had already caused His children. And was not the Lord God there simply to edit and leave His Comments so that the errors of this holy bible would be corrected? God is not the author of chaos! And it came to pass that God withheld from damning any book in the book which Man called “Holy Bible”. By His grace, Man had been spared from further biblical chaos!
Now just for shits and giggles (aka curiosity’s sake), what if God had actually damned a book in the Bible? I love “what if” scenarios! Don’t you? Let’s take a quick look at what would have happened had God actually damned a book in the Bible. Since Leviticus is the book currently on our minds let’s use that one in this hypothesis.
- Concerning the Book of Leviticus, God commanded, “This book shall never be used again!” And since the Word of God cannot come back to Him void, God sealed His Word by saying, “The Book of Leviticus be damned!” In that instant, the entire Book of Leviticus was stricken from not only the large bible in which God had been working but every bible in existence was suddenly void of that one book! In various places on the Earth which the Lord God had created, was a man or woman reading or preaching from the Book of Leviticus. That person was temporarily blinded by a flash of light as the Book of Leviticus disintegrated from their bibles or electronic devices within an instant! Other bibles throughout the world, in every language and form were instantly made lighter by the missing pages (or data) as the Old Testament Book of Leviticus which God had just damned simply disappeared. Meanwhile, in the Vatican, the Pope was inundated with calls about this sudden, yet unexplainable phenomenon. This was the first major supernatural incident since Pope John Paul II survived the first assassination attempt on his life in Vatican City back in May 1981. The cardinals at the Vatican did not know what to make of it. Suddenly every other book of the Bible was thrown into disarray. The loss of the Book of Leviticus had created a “domino effect” as all other Books in both the Old Testament and the New Testament had lost a small yet significant cross-reference point.
God still was not pleased about the book of Leviticus. The anger of God caused tremors in the church’s foundation which caused the large wall portrait of a handsome, white-skinned, long-haired bearded man depicting Jesus to fall off the wall. God willed the portrait to stop in mid-air. He looked at it and chuckled, causing the stained glass windows in the main sanctuary to crack.
God thought, “The model Man used to depict his perception of My Son Jesus does My Son no justice! This same picture or likeness thereof is in every house of Mine on this planet. It is a cause of senseless debate and used as a tool to cause guilt and shame and instill control among My children! From whence did they get the idea that Jesus looks like THIS man? Had I wanted My children to forever have such a vision of My Son, I would have made it possible centuries ago. This picture is wrong on all counts!”
God stared at it again and the portrait ignited in a flash of flame, disintegrating the portrait to ashes. “Always wanted to do that”, said God. For a second, He entertained the thought of making all likenesses of Man’s depiction of His only begotten Son to be destroyed. But God has a sense of humor and said aloud, “We will let Man’s debate on Jesus’ appearance continue. It humors Us.” God looked up at the place where the picture had fallen off the wall and saw a large cross. He smiled, shook his head and mumbled the words, “another tool of fear and control” as he once again returned to the editing work of the church bible.
Again, with His red right index finger, God wrote in the large church bible:
• “Was I, the Lord your God, asleep when THAT happened?
• “That’s interesting; when did Daniel do this?”
• “I was with David when all that happened in Psalms. Glad you got THIS book right!”
God made a few notes in the margins of the New Testament books of Mark, Galatians, Ephesians and Timothy. Each comment read:
“My Son Jesus talked more about the issues recorded here but you have omitted them to suit your own needs! Locate the original manuscripts or do not again preach to My children from these books!
• “I was silent on this issue on purpose. Why did you feel the need to twist it out context and condemn your brother for it?”
God found another disparaging text:
• “See? Perfect example right here for why I called Jesus back home when I did. Some of you children are really crazy!”
Then God, remembering America’s controversy regarding marijuana plants, made a note in the Book of Genesis:
• “Yes, ALL PLANTS are as natural as the air you breathe and water you drink. It says so right here! Who said that you were to make laws forbidding its use from My Children?”
• “Speaking of nature, who said you were to make people pay for water, natural gas, and electricity, which I made possible for and easy for you to harness? You are robbing your brother blind!”
The temper of God was once again about to rise as He read on and wrote across two of the pages in the Book of Romans and again in Leviticus:
• “I’ve made you higher and given you dominion over every beast of the earth, creature of the sea and fowl of the air, and over every creeping and crawling thing. Such creatures do what they do – as they do – for it is in their nature. Yet regarding your fellow man, you have added to, changed, or omitted words from My Word and established laws that confused or change My Law and you have harshly judged and even killed your fellow man for doing what is to some of them, perfectly within their very nature! What is worse, you claim your actions to be an abomination to Me, the Lord your God! How do any of you know what I, the Lord God, would or would not favor? How do any of you know what I “ever intended? How dare you pretend or profess to know more about the Mind of the Lord God, your Creator!”
At that moment, God released a loud “humpf” and once again, the building shook causing the long window drapes to rip in two and cracks in the walls to appear. God continued making red mark after red mark throughout the large bible. Though the white pages were turning red, God made sure that His Comments were very legible. Remember, God is thought to be many things but having sloppy penmanship would not be one of them! Like the One True God He is, a Deity with many names, the Comments of God would surely be seen AND well understood by the members of this church and soon by all readers of this book Men called “holy bible”. God would see to that!
Before God could make another red mark, Jerome, The Attending Angel appeared before God saying, “My Lord, you instructed me to come when Your Presence was needed for more urgent matters. That moment is now, my Lord.” God looked at the angel then at the large book which was dripping in red. “Thank you, Jerome,” said God. “I shall stop here at this last book called ‘Revelations’”. God made a special mark on the first page of the Book of Revelations in the large church bible. Then God said, “Jerome, I have been going back and forth between all sixty-six books making notations where needed. I am far from done. Let this mark be an indicator of where we left off so upon our return we may continue with our editing.”
“Has the Lord made significant progress?” asked Jerome. God answered, “Yes Jerome, but there is still much work to do. Man has omitted many important books and a shitload of scripture. I’m not sure yet how I want to resolve this but it needs to be resolved and soon. I’ve waited too long.”
Jerome said, “Yes, my Lord”, adding, “but My Lord, we must go.”
God said, “Yes Jerome, we will go but first I command that a copy of all My holy Comments appear in every book declared or considered to be “the word of God” and even unto Man’s printing press and computer and electronic devices that produces such bibles. I command that no page having My Comment can ever be covered, hidden, altered or destroyed except at such time when the CORRECT text has appeared in such a book.” The very moment the Word of the Lord left His lips the commandment was done! (What awesome power God has!)
Jerome, who was standing on the side as God spoke, wrote down every Word spoken by God in a Holy Tablet which he always carried for that purpose. God continued to speak: “On the front cover of each book called “Holy Bible” or considered to be as such in any tongue or form shall appear the words – INACCURATE AND INCOMPLETE directly below any title marked “Holy Bible”. At the end of the last Book of any said bible shall appear in large font, the words, “WHERE’S THE REST?” God chuckled as those three words appeared on blank page immediately following the last text of the Book of Revelations. God’s chuckle caused the stained glass window pane above the pulpit to shatter to pieces. The angel Jerome waved his hand and every shard of the shattered pane was instantly reassembled and returned to the window frame. (Yes readers; angels have a little power, too! Somebody has to clean up after God.)
Finally God said, “On the first page of every book that is called “Holy Bible” or considered to be such in any tongue or form shall appear:
• “… If you listen or do nothing else, then heed this: Stop leaving parts of My Word out of this book which you claim to be “the Word of God”. Go find and use the ORIGINAL scrolls and scriptures I sent. Then publish the COMPLETE, UNCENSORED Word of the Lord your God! STOP twisting My Words. None of you reading this book were even there when the things thus written in the book you call “Holy Bible”, occurred! Many of you are scaring My children! You are judging My Children! You attempt to control and rob My children of free-will through guilt, fear, lies, half-truths, exaggerations and ambiguity! You are killing My children and you do all these things in My Holy Name! Frankly, you have been making Me look more like a real Asshole rather than a Benevolent, Caring and Loving God! Enough already with your – as you say – …bullshit! I love you but I AM the Lord!”
Jerome, impatient but trying to be helpful asked, “My Lord, will all that you have done this day be sufficient for thee?” God answered simply, “Yes. I have spoken and My will has been done!” Then God backed away from the bible book still dripping in red, taking one last look at His work and said, “It is sufficient!” Then just as quietly as they both appeared, God and Jerome, the Attending Angel disappeared. The large crystal glass light fixture which had fallen and shattered during God’s visit was still on the floor.
– The End.
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